Zina is the replacement of marriage. Zina has no responsibilities, no modesty, no mercy, no kindness, no compassion, no barakah, no sukoon. Nikkah is an act of worship and niyyah should be to gain Allah's razaa, and complete imaan, and to stay away from sin and fulfill desires in a lawful way, to propagate lineage, and to fulfill Allah's commands and follow his hidaya, and to have pious children.
It is very important in our deen to be happily married. Only then can we extract all the benefits of marriage. Unhappy marriages lead to zinaa and spiritual death. Sukoon does not mean an absence of difficulties in life. Rather, it means that no matter what difficulty comes, we remain content with deen and shariyah. A person could lose every single thing in the world but still extract sukoon from their spouse. Sukoon is the word Allah commonly uses for zikr and ibadah.
Sahih International: And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.
Muaddah means that they genuinely love the other person for who they are. They support and help their spouse out in everything. Marriage is like an investment and the more effort you put,the more sweetness you extract. Muaddah is also used for a mother's love. Rahmah is the mercy and care that partners have for each other, it includes overlooking shortcomings and concealing them. Imagine that the most merciful being AL RAHMAN places rahmah in a marriage. We only lose this rahmah when we forget Allah and Quran. Rahmah is forgiving even when the other person does not deserve forgiveness, the same way Allah forgives us. This forgiveness and mercy is selfless without asking and expecting anything in return, This rahmah binds the couple together in old age.
You will only get sukoon if you give and receive muaddah and rahmah. Rahmah is more important in old age and muaddah is more important in youth.
They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them. [2:187]
Libaas covers our satar. Similarly, husband and wife hide each other's faults and veil them. Allah is sattaar and it is HIS attribute to conceal our flaws. Secondly, husband and wife are a source of protection for each other spiritually and physically. Libaas is used to cover the haya. It protects our chastity and modesty. Through spouses, we attain haya. Libaas is also a source of honour and dignity for us. Libaas is also for zeenat and beauty. So husbands and wives are a means of beauty for each other and they become beautiful in the sight of Allah. Clothing is the thing most physically close to our body. So our closest relation is our spouse. Marriage is kept together by thousands of threads that hold the husband and wife together. The husband and wife are sewn together by many invisible threads of love.
The language of marriage is love. Every little gesture should reflect love. Every gaze should reflect love.
A wife is chosen on base of beauty,wealth,status and taqwa and in Islam, you should prefer taqwa over everything else. If the wife has taqwa then the husband will always be attracted to her because of her taqwa. The best woman is the one who lowers her gaze and does not give others the opportunity to gaze at her(Fatima RadiAllah anhaa). Both spouses need to develop haya and guard their modesty.
Sahih International: Men are the caretakers of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.
Men are the caretakers of women. In terms of family affairs and household management, Allah has made the husband the manager. It does not give men the authority to do whatever they like but it means they have to be kind and just managers. The barakah will come when both husband and wife take the roles that Allah has assigned them.
Allah is the Wakeel of the wife to the husband: waa aashiroohunna bil maroof. Husbands should treat wives well from every aspect. Women must always keep themselves presentable and attractive in front of their husbands. Every evening should be a date with her husband she should always be well dressed when it is time for the husband to come home,especially if the husband is working in a place where there are women. Keep it reasonable and try to be pleasing to him emotionally and physically. Leave whatever you are doing when your husband comes and greet him at the door. If you treat him like a king, then he will treat you like a queen. She should fulfill his pledges and promises and protect his wealth and honour. She spends with his consultation.
THE IDEAL HUSBAND
THE IDEAL HUSBAND
The ideal husband should have the haya of Hazrat Usman RA. Hazrat Ali RA had a heart of gold full of mercy, softness,compassion,gentleness,generosity. The best husband is the one who is the best to his family.
1)Protection
A woman needs protection. She leaves her home, her family and sometime even her country for the husband so the woman needs to feel the sense of security,protection and provision. If a man promises any particular thing before marriage e.g. keeping her in city X, then he becomes bound to provide that. But the wife should try not to insist on these all the time because there might be a genuine reason that he is unable to do that.
A husband should provide woman with a separate home or a separate portion or at least a separate kitchen so that the women have some independence. If your family does not agree with this then you should try your best to give as much to them as possible. Try to take extreme care of them or live close to them. Sometimes, the husband is financially unable to provide separate accommodation. The living plan should be shared before marriage to set practical expectations. If he can afford it, then it is his responsibility.
If a woman gets married for deen then she needs an environment that helps her flourish e.g. she does not want to expose her children to smoking,movies, music etc then the husband should provide her separate accommodation so that she can raise her children according to the deen of Islam.
But if parents reach old age and need khidmah of their children, then the children should support them. The parents should move to the couples' house and not vice versa because the environment of the house will be determined by the couple and not by the parents. The environment is the most important thing.
2)ATTENTION
Husband must be a good listener and he must be expressive. He should not neglect the wife and should take care of her. A husband should be interested in everything that is important for the wife. Sometimes you might come home tired and your wife needs you at that moment, and instead of explaining your situation, you snap at her and tell her you don't have time to listen to such things which are seemingly unimportant.
3)APPRECIATION
Even animals need appreciation so your wife definitely needs it more. Allah's attribute is Shakoor(The being who appreciates the amaal we send Him even though they are naqis). So we should be appreciative of one another.Even if she fulfills her responsibilities, the husband should appreciate even that. You should appreciate everything she does for your parents. Don't just point out her mistakes.
BIG MISTAKES HUSBANDS MAKE
1)Ignoring his wife
Don't ignore your wife even for ibadah. Give her the due share from your time
Show her that she is important to you and she means something
If you don't show her that she is important then she will develop doubts and she will be skeptical. And she might accuse you and you might respond with rage. You should identify the reasons and explain to her.
2)Threatening divorce
Never ever ever threaten divorce. Allah truly dislikes it. Do not misuse this right. It is never the solution. That will give her the impression that you can easily let go of her. This will spoil your relationship. Don't even say it to bluff her. It will put her in deep anxiety. She might start searching for someone else if you threaten her that you can find someone better. You are not suppposed to bring out the worst in her. You should try to bring out the best in her. Never ever threaten divorce especially when you are bickering over little things.
3)I can always marry another one
Never threaten to marry another woman. This will devastate her. Do not marry a second wife. This permission is a very unique limited and restricted thing and is not meant to be a norm. Less than 5%Sahaba had more than one wife. Even the Prophet SAWW had only Khadija RA for 25 years. Most people marry again only for lust. Some people marry again only for the thrill of another honeymoon. To divorce a woman for no reason is a punishable sin. People do not even treat their wives equally. They misuse deen. Most men acquire wives through unlawful relations.
4)Do not humiliate your wife in front of others
Don't reprimand her, don't poke fun. Always praise her publicly and reprimand her privately. Your intention should be to correct her and not to insult and disgrace her. Never humiliate her in front of your family or her family or servants or children.
5)Not giving enough time
Don't give more time to your screen than to your wife. Turn off the screen for her. She will really appreciate it
Never pass out when it wasn't your intention to sleep. Sleep deliberately. Sleep together simultaneously and at the same time. Never let your husbands sleep after you. Even if you have to do ibadah, you can sleep then and wake up and do ibadah later.
6) Disregarding her family
Not showing interest in her family and not caring about them. Everything that is important to her should be important to you. You expect her to care for your family so you should reciprocate it even if you don't want to.
7)Strict rules and regulations
You set rules for others but don't abide by them yourself. You will lose respect. e.g. asking her to lower her gaze but staring at namehrams yourself
8)Criticising and finding faults
To run a big show you need a big heart. Marriage taking you into jannah is a big show and needs zarf. You should be able to absorb things against your liking. Don't have zero tolerance. It is against Muaddah and Rahmah
9)Getting upset with her wife because somebody brainwashed you about her
Ask her side of the story and don't have a tendon jerk reaction. You should value her. Anyone can tell you something about her and you will believe her immediately? That is devastating. Third parties often create problems. Even if she makes a mistake, give her a chance.
10) Blaming their wife for every problem that happens
e.g. anything going wrong,children fighting,getting late
11)Not spending enough exclusive time with wife
e.g. going out for a walk. This time should be dedicated and free from all family. A woman's dedicated time involves talking and spending time.
I0 things the husband should do
1)Enter the home with a smile always
He should show that he is happy to be home with his wife. The Prophet SAWW used to do miswaak because he used to affectionately kiss his wife upon coming. A man should display affection when he enters home. He should say salaam because that adds barakah. When you start with a good note,things go wonderfully well and all the worries melt away. Some men deliberately enter with a stern demeanor to show they are tough.2)Appreciate and compliment your wife
Women need appreciation. Do it even it feels artificial. Even if you do not feel it inwardly. Adopt it outwardly with takalluf in the hope that Allah will correct you inwardly when you correct yourself outwardly. Offer constructive criticism and praise her even when you are trying to point out something that needs improvement. Encourage her.
3)Ask her what she did during the day
Even if she is a housewife, you need to ask her how her day went and not assume. Don't think it is the same old thing happening everyday. Do takalluf. Help her with household chores. Nabi SAWW used to help out even though he was imaam ul mursaleen. She might not even let you do it but she will notice that you care for her. Her love will surge.Make her life easier in any way possible. Get something for her that can help her out.
4)Give gifts
Give gifts because that will increase your love for each other. Give them the gift of your love. Give them special gifts when you return from a journey
5)Express the muaddah
Affection, not intimacy. Sweet and kind words and gestures. Hand feed your wives, the sahaba RA used to do that. Do it even if it needs takalluf. Call her by a sweet and special name. Use it when she is upset with you and it will melt your heart. Pick a name that she likes e.g. Ya humera. Sayyidna Nabi saww used to drink leftover water of his wife and he put his blessed lips where Aisha RA put her lips.
6)Be lively and joke around
Be lively and joke with your wife. He even raced with Aisha RA and let her win. Years later they raced again and he won. Tilka bi tilka (tit for tat). He used to engage in light,playful behavior with his wife. Some men find it difficult to express but they need to do mujahida nafs and takalluf. Deen can transform temperament and personalities. Nabi SAWW used to kiss children and once a man passed by and said he has never kissed his children, and nabi saww said what can I do if Allah has deprived your heart of mercy. This shows that we need to mould ourselves to fit deen.
7)Patience
Compensate for the decreased sabr of your wife. Generally wives have less sabr. Men show sabr at work but cannot show sabr at home. Some men want everything on time all the time. Think before you speak. Always filter your tongue. You should not speak your mind all the time but you should say what Allah is pleased with.
8)Implement the shariah in your home
Save your trump card for the shariah. Listen to your wife in matters which don't have to do with shariah. Follow your wife generally. Save your authority for deen only. Follow her if there is no harm in dunya and deen. If we disrespect Allah's authority then Allah makes our subordinates disobedient to us. Disobedience is often a consequence of our sins. Handle and supervise techncial things yourself and don't invite male servants and technicians at home when your wife is alone. Own your responsibilities. Remove all media used for haraam.We have too many screens at home. IF anybody commits a sin using those screens then you also get a share in the sin.
9)Stay calm when your wife gets angry
You are giving me a look, I will look harder. You are speaking at 5 decibels.. I have 20 decibels. That is WRONG. Two people cannot be angry at the same time. Keep calm (Wal kaazimeenal Ghayz, Wal aafeena aninnaas). If both of you throw fire at each other then the house will burn down. Walk out if you can't stay calm and come back after few minutes.
10)Never sleep without resolving the argument
Never sleep in that state. Don't go to sleep in the lap of shaytaan. Arguments are not about winning or losing. Either you both lose or you both win. You are a team. A team can win or lose.
Allah associates sukoon with wife, home,and night. IF you combine all 3, you get the most sukoon. Night +home+wife. Do not stay out late night with friends. Away from your wife, you lose one third sukoon. Away from home, one third sukoon. Away at night, lose one third sukoon. Do not use the night for lagwiyaat and for screens. If you fix your PM, Allah will fix your AM. Try to wake up for Fajr. You will have a blessed home and a lot of barakah in your whole day. Stop sleeping in the AM.
support your husband in deen. Be there for him emotionally physically and spiritually. Follow deen and he will be attracted to you.
1)Cook food in state of wudhu
Make duas while cooking for barakah in food. Avoid eating food from outside. Eat halal AND tayyab. The food you eat definitely affects you.
Exceptions include when you are travelling and when you are eating at relatives' place. You cannot avoid such occasions because they will damage family ties
2)Organize your household work time
Don't spend your whole day on household work. Be more productive. All the chores you do are generally ibadah but be more efficient to save some time for deen and ibadah
3)Keep your home clean
Make the niyyah of keeping your home free of physical impurity and Allah will save your home from spiritual impurity
IF both are working, then they should work out how to manage household management. Husband should be the foremost earner then the wife should be the foremost homemaker.
4)Don't spread rumours
Don't tell your husband anything that everyone says. Verify things. Don't lead him to lies and backbiting.. You will lose the barakah in your home because of this sin. Guard the imanah. Al gheebatu ashaddu minazinaa. You will reap the consequences of your sins.
Don't complain about the husband to others
It is part of backbiting and it also creates bitterness in relationships. Share your feelings with your musalla and don't spread it to people. Have tawakkul. Don't tell even if they are true, not even to your mother. If you need to share for guidance, there is a different way to do that. Mostly we are just venting frustration and not sincerely seeking counsel
5)Greet the husband when he leaves. Escort him and bid him farewell
Stand there and make dua for him when leaving
6)Prepare herself for her husband before he returns
Adorn yourself for your husbands. Wear good clothes for your husbands. Dress up at home and dress down outside. Sometimes women dress for ladies functions and not for your husbands. When a husband looks at his wife, she should be pleasing to him. Do it EVERY day. Nabi SAWW said you should send a message before coming so that the wife can prepare for you.
7)Have good relations with inlaws
You can even sit with elders and very close relatives of husbands while observing pardah. If you are invited on a shadi where there is mixing of sexes, then you can either avoid that function by visiting the family before shadi to give your attendance, or you can go to the function as early as possible and come back asap. Immediate family members include your own siblings and not cousins.
Try to win over your inlaws and actively try to improve relations. Do mujaahida. You also have to deal with a tough boss so you can make the niyyah of deen with inlaws.
8)Encourage her husband to give sadaqah
Help him in deen. Don't let him think that he should spend all on family and not save for sadaqah. Allah will never decrease your wealth because of sadaqah. The barakah will only increase. Sadaqah leads to istigfar and better relationships9) Free her home and make a proper place for ibadah(Dedicate a room or corner)
It is even a form of masjid. Have an interior designing for ibadah. This adds barakah. It is even better for men to pray sunnah at home as long as they do not skip the sunnah and get lazy. Don't make your homes like graves. We set up our rooms for entertainment. We should set it up for ibadah too. We cannot pray in an environment where we have Tv and other forms of ghaflah around her. When you become free from responsibilities of husband and children after they have gone for work/school, try to pray at least 2 nafal to start your day
10)Talk less on the phone
Husbands are addicted to screens and wives are addicted to the phone.
10 things wife should not do
1)Never do anything makrooh which would create doubts in the husband's heart
Stay away from futile and makrooh things e.g. she should not read magazines that are inappropriate
2)Keep husband regularly informed about upbringing of children
Both positives and negatives
She should not just involve her husband when there is a conflict or crises. She should keep him well informed
3)Comfort him when he is discouraged instead of being discouraging
This is the sunnah of Hazrat Khadija RA/. Try her best to soothe her husband
4)Don't cover your mistakes.
Confess and accept mistakes. Do not be stubborn.
5)Don't get frustrated with him in front of his parents
This will be humiliating.
Never fight with the husband in front of his children
6)Encourage her husband to spend more time on deen
don't keep him bound at home.
7)Talk to husband in a respectful manner
You may be best friends but you should give him some level of respect. e.g. saying aap instead of tum, or have a respectful tone.
8)Don't fight fire with fire or anger with anger
Control your anger and have sabr. Either both of you are winners or both of you are losers. Don't try to win the argument
9)Spend your husband's money with wisdom
There should be enough money spent for a reasonable level of comfort. But don't go too far and appreciate the effort he makes. Live within your means and don't be reckless.
Guidelines for both
1)Taqwa with regards to dealing with each other
BOTH should have taqwa and should fear Allah with regards to each other. Allah is looking at the way you are talking to each other.
2)Don't make a big deal out of things
Don't be stubborn and don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Learn to let go. You should know you must make compromises
3)Don't bring out the dirty laundry
Don't bring out the past again and again. Hit DELETE
EMPTY the recycle bin
Sometimes one person doesn't even remember what happened and the other person keeps bringing it up.
Allah might bring up our past after we make our tawbah? We don't want that to happen. So we should also delete the past record.
Don't say that you do that ALWAYS. Don't rub everything in
4)Don't be ungrateful
Don't express ingratitude. I don't care whatever you do for me. I don't care whatever you earn for me, you can take everything back etc. I don't care for all the time you have given to me. These words sting like poison. It is highly ungrateful. Ingratitude towards others is ingratitude towards Allah. It is a form of kufr. Kufr means to deny.
5)Have healthy intimacy
Leave laziness and negligence, and don't expect shameless and outrageous things from your spouse
Mostly the husband is shameless in this and the wife is negligent. Both blame each other. Don't be stubborn and extreme. Have more haya. Don't be like animals.
Men should not have desire for inappropriately dressed women and should not be perverts. Instead of feeling lust for such women, you should pray for hidaya for her and feel sorry for her that she is the great grand daughter of a sahabiya RA. Don't wish that you could have her, wish that she could have Allah SWT. Both should try to protect their haya and chastity.
6)Be a momin and momina and have love for Allah
The husband and wife need to be momin and momina in order to be happy. Love for Allah is essential in order to have love for spouse. Love should be for the sake of Allah.
How to have love for Allah?
To get the love for Allah in our hearts, we need to know Allah. To know Allah, we need to know the Asmaa ul Husnaa. To know Allah, we need to know the people of knowledge.
We have to improve our ibadah to increase in love for Allah SWT. Our quality of ibadah needs to improve. Our hearts are absent during ibadah.
Salam means peace.Tasleem means submission. Islam means to create peace through submission.
Don't every say that I cannot change myself and it is against my personality to show muaddah. Islam is supposed to CHANGE you
7)Eat together.
Eating together is extremely important preferably daily or at least whenever possible. It increases mutual love.
8)Forced Hug therapy whenever there is an argument or conflict
This will melt the other person. Throw water on fire to extinguish it. Wife should counsel the husband and the husband should listen with open ears and vice versa. BE very soft when trying to resolve conflicts.
9)Husband should not be overly possessive and Wife should not be overly suspicious
Don't always enquire and spy and mistrust the other person. Husbands should not be so possessive so as to limit the freedom of his wife. e.g. a husband used to lock his wife at home everytime he left. He did provide her with everything but he caged her. Monitoring her phone calls/messages etc all the time and vice versa
10)Treat him/HER the way HE/SHE should be treated
Understand that you have different emotional needs. Fulfill his manly emotional needs. Husband should do the same with their wives. Both have different fuels.
11)Invest in the seed and it will bear fruit
Nurture it,nourish it, spray it pesticides, add fertilizer, invest time and energy. We are the gardeners of our marriage so both husband and wife should take extreme care of this seed. Both should be able to read the body language of the plant. They should be able to tell by looking at the plant that it is growing correctly or something is wrong. Read between the lines. Ultimate goal is to be able to understand without the other person expressing it.
12)Treat each other like a king and Queen
If you treat him like a king, he will treat you like a queen. Always assure each other that you will always be together and there for each other.
MEN AND WOMEN ARE CREATED DIFFERENTLY
Allah created men and women differently and they have different fitrahs. Men are generally designed to function outdoors and women are designed more delicately to function indoors. Men have more physical strength. Both have been assigned different roles. Men and women need to understand each other physically and psychologically in order to be happily married. Both have different types of beauty. Women have more physical beauty and men's beauty is in their strength and character. Men have more emotional and physical strength generally and women can withstand less psychological and physical trauma e.g. this is manifest during janaza
Men have sifat rahmaniya and women have sifat rahimiya. Man's mercy and rahmaniyah has some awe with it. His roab and respect still remains. Women's mercy is outright complete mercy Raheemiyat, a gentle soft forgiving type of mercy.
Men are the decision makers of the house so they have more power to make decisions. Men get bored easily and need something different. Women can do the same thing consistently for many years. Women are also more consistent with ibadah.
Men have more self control. They are able to overlook things more. Women are more easily overcome by emotions. This applies to most cases but there are always exceptions. Men are more daring and risk taking. Women generally have more haya so for them to commit zina is an even bigger sin. Women have the ability to do more khidmah. Women have the ability to do more sabr then men. Men are more goal oriented. Men like more independence and women like codependence. Men are less sharing and women love to share and involve the man. Men can handle business relations better and women can handle relationships better.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
1)Respect and honour as opposed to carelessness and neglect
Women should be honoured by men and should honour their wishes
e.g. Prophet SAWW offered his body for his wife to step on to ride on the camel. That is the respect he gave her.
2)Understanding
Husbands should be good listeners. HE has to make her feel that she has been understood. Make her feel important. Lend her an ear. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. She knows when you're not listening. It is disrespectful. If you don't listen to her,somebody else at work might start sympathizing with her.
3)Respect
Give her respect especially in front of others. Do not ever condemn or point out her mistakes in front of others. Your tone and style matters more than your words. Don't mock her.
4)Devotion
Give her priority. Value her phone calls. She sees you picking up calls at home immediately. If you're too busy you wouldn't even look at the phone. But you ignore all her missed calls.
e.g. for the first 50 years of his life, he was a one year man. He only had multiple wives after Khadija RA passed away. He even used to remember her after she passed away. She supported me when everyone opposed me, and there is nothing you Ayesha RA can do to take that love away from me.
Love for your wife what you would love for your daughter.
If you don't want your daughter to be someone's second wife, then don't do that to your wife either.
WHAT MEN WANT
1)Support
He wants her to support his decision even if he makes mistakes. Give him confidence. We will make it work. Don't blame the husband. Don't kick him when he is down. Don't rub it in. NEVER say you never do anything right. Respect your husband's decisions and follow them if they don't go against deen.
2)Acceptance
Husband wants acknowledgement. He should feel that his wife is happily accepting him as he is.
3)Praise
Praise him in front of everyone. Don't complain all the time and don't do gheebah behind his back. A husband knows that the wife who complains to the husband on his face will also be complaining behind his back. Don't negate him in front of others.
4)Encouragement
Support him in matters of deen and dunya. Encourage him in khayr. Don't second guess him. Be a support for him in all matters.
Communication guidelines
Women often express symbolically and men have to read between the lines. They often generalize
e.g. if she says we never go out. It doesn't mean you never go out. It means it has been very long since you have been out. It means she wants to go out.
e.g. if she says everybody ignores me. It means she needs you.
e.g. If she says this house is always a mess, it means she wants you to tidy it now.
e.g. if she says nobody ever listens to me, she means listen to me now. Learn to translate. e.g. there is no point in me saying anything anymore. It means actions need to be louder than words now. I want your actions and love.
Men are like turtles. When problems occur, they often want to withdraw in their shell and cave and be isolated. e.g. Prophet SAWW also used to withdraw from the world and often isolate himself to contemplate and introspect. Most men are like that. Just give him space and he will eventually come around to sharing
Women are different and they do not want to be left alone when they are disturbed. They need to offload it and vent out their stress and frustration. Men and women need to understand that. This often creates issues when women asks questions and the man doesn't give answers so she starts thinking that maybe something is wrong and something is up with the man or he is being disloyal. Women like to broadcast their problems to all people who have subscribed to her channel. Women like to share and express. A husband should give his wife the ear and don't complain that she is whining.
Husband and wife's prime responsibilities
Kasb e halaal
Kasb e halaal
Husband needs to earn Kasb e halaal. It is HIS responsibility and he doesn't have right over the wives money
Huqooq ul ibaad
Husband should fulfill huqooq of family. He should absolutely do that and maintain a healthy balance in relationships
Huqooq ullah
Husband should fulfill huqooq ullah. Wife needs to support her husband with that and not discourage him. But she can tell him to balance his extra time by giving it home. e.g. not spend too much time at the masjid.
A husband can learn ilm, do ibadah, need good company, do the zikr that is necessary for tazkiya and staying away from sin. Wives should encourage husband in tazkiya and let them give some balanced time to deen so that he can become a better person
Husband should do the same to fulfill the wife's religious needs. Anything that is essential to enable one to fulfill fardh is wajib e.g. if studying deen makes one stay away from sins, it is wajib
A husband can learn ilm, do ibadah, need good company, do the zikr that is necessary for tazkiya and staying away from sin. Wives should encourage husband in tazkiya and let them give some balanced time to deen so that he can become a better person
Husband should do the same to fulfill the wife's religious needs. Anything that is essential to enable one to fulfill fardh is wajib e.g. if studying deen makes one stay away from sins, it is wajib
I. Conflict Resolution Guidelines
a. Take initiative: One should remember that good and bad marriages are all made. The first one who makes up is more muttaqi. What you need is:
i. Open mind and heart: Be open minded. Ask yourself: What is it that I did wrong? Think like a third party and try to be in other person’s shoes. Step out of the situation without being emotional
ii. Communication: Communication is extremely important. Both the spouses should be willing to listen and to talk. They should take turns and say ” You talk and I will listen” and then ” I will talk and you listen”
What each of the spouse should not do?
– Put the issue under the carpet
– Have this mindset ” I am going to win”
– Put the issue under the carpet
– Have this mindset ” I am going to win”
What mindset should each have?
– “Let’s resolve the issue”
Schedule a time to discuss the issue if you cannot find a common time. You can say, “Look, we need to talk”
Give attention to listening. Pay attention to body language because 80% of communication is always non verbal. Look in the eye and talk.
Don’t bring up any old stuff. Donot rehatch the past. Think: “Why are we arguing? What is the root cause” Do it all without any judgement.
Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Empathize. Think that your spouse maybe working too hard or S/he is maybe sick.
You have to tell him/her that “I care about you”
Give ten minutes to your spouse and keep your mouth shut and while s/he is speaking you can even take notes but let the other person speak
Avoid any negative points if you can
You need a lot of humility while trying to resolve conflicts. You shouldn’t be afraid to say that ” I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I am still sorry”. Crush your ego.
– “Let’s resolve the issue”
Schedule a time to discuss the issue if you cannot find a common time. You can say, “Look, we need to talk”
Give attention to listening. Pay attention to body language because 80% of communication is always non verbal. Look in the eye and talk.
Don’t bring up any old stuff. Donot rehatch the past. Think: “Why are we arguing? What is the root cause” Do it all without any judgement.
Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Empathize. Think that your spouse maybe working too hard or S/he is maybe sick.
You have to tell him/her that “I care about you”
Give ten minutes to your spouse and keep your mouth shut and while s/he is speaking you can even take notes but let the other person speak
Avoid any negative points if you can
You need a lot of humility while trying to resolve conflicts. You shouldn’t be afraid to say that ” I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I am still sorry”. Crush your ego.
iii Accommodation: Don’t say ” Do this immediately” or ” You have to do it all”
b. Practice anger management
It is a famous hadith that when a person gets angry he/she should become silent. The same strategy is to be applied here that if you get angry, remain silent.
b. Practice anger management
It is a famous hadith that when a person gets angry he/she should become silent. The same strategy is to be applied here that if you get angry, remain silent.
Other strategies are:
– Do wadu
– Change Location (go to bathroom or sometimes when the couple is fighting, a phone call comes. It is a good way to diffuse the situation if one of them goes to pick up the phone and has to change the tone of the voice and attitude all of a sudden. Then when the phone call ends, the aggression in the conflict is usually lost and the couple is like ” oh, what were we talking about, where were we?..”
– Change position ( If you are standing, then sit, if you are sitting, then lay down.)
One should remember that 90% of the conflicts in marriage are always related to a third party. Remember that Shaitan is the biggest enemy of a happy marriage. Shaitan is pleased the most when husband and wife fight because an unhappy home leads to various evils in the society
– Do wadu
– Change Location (go to bathroom or sometimes when the couple is fighting, a phone call comes. It is a good way to diffuse the situation if one of them goes to pick up the phone and has to change the tone of the voice and attitude all of a sudden. Then when the phone call ends, the aggression in the conflict is usually lost and the couple is like ” oh, what were we talking about, where were we?..”
– Change position ( If you are standing, then sit, if you are sitting, then lay down.)
One should remember that 90% of the conflicts in marriage are always related to a third party. Remember that Shaitan is the biggest enemy of a happy marriage. Shaitan is pleased the most when husband and wife fight because an unhappy home leads to various evils in the society
c. Forgive and forget
If you want Allah to forgive you, then you should also learn to forgive others. Remember that, when you love someone, you love their flaws too.
Also that most women will enter jahannum because of being unthankful and ungrateful to their husbands
Your Taqwa is that you forgive and forget. The biggest person you should do Silah Rehmi is your husband or your wife
If something unfortunate happens, instead of complaining, think ” This was in my destiny”
If you want high honour in jannah, establish link and connection with those who cut ties!
If you want Allah to forgive you, then you should also learn to forgive others. Remember that, when you love someone, you love their flaws too.
Also that most women will enter jahannum because of being unthankful and ungrateful to their husbands
Your Taqwa is that you forgive and forget. The biggest person you should do Silah Rehmi is your husband or your wife
If something unfortunate happens, instead of complaining, think ” This was in my destiny”
If you want high honour in jannah, establish link and connection with those who cut ties!
d. Avoid humiliating behaviour
Avoid the following behaviour:
i. Name Calling: Avoid abusive name calling to your spouse or saying for example “You are the source of all problems”
ii. Blaming: Avoid blaming your spouse or saying, ” I have never seen any khair in you”
iii. Finger pointing at your spouse
Avoid the following behaviour:
i. Name Calling: Avoid abusive name calling to your spouse or saying for example “You are the source of all problems”
ii. Blaming: Avoid blaming your spouse or saying, ” I have never seen any khair in you”
iii. Finger pointing at your spouse
II. How to win the heart of your husband
i. Use your eyes:
When you look in the eyes continuously, attraction increases. All the emphasis on the eye makeup etc is not without reason.
Real happiness shows in the eyes: have “Bright smiling eyes” .
If somebody looks with a good intention, then it affects the relationship.
Sometimes a couple of tears work too!
ii. Say right things at the right time:
Express your love to your spouse. Show your love.
Imagine we sms everyone, what about sending a love message to your husband? Saying “I miss you” and a few words of praise can do wonders
Express your love to your spouse. Show your love.
Imagine we sms everyone, what about sending a love message to your husband? Saying “I miss you” and a few words of praise can do wonders
iii. Daily positive reinforcement:
Do small chores for your husband like giving water to him.
Use your sense of humour
Consult internet if you have any problems.
You can even have a wish box. Place it in your home and both the spouse can put little chits in that regarding what each of them wants the other one to do.
Do small chores for your husband like giving water to him.
Use your sense of humour
Consult internet if you have any problems.
You can even have a wish box. Place it in your home and both the spouse can put little chits in that regarding what each of them wants the other one to do.
iv. Use fragrance:
Humans are attracted by fragrance therefore you should definitely use fragrance in front of your husband
Humans are attracted by fragrance therefore you should definitely use fragrance in front of your husband
v. Physical context
Fulfill the physical needs of your husband
you can touch while speaking because what you say becomes more effective
Sometimes, hugging even works.
Fulfill the physical needs of your husband
you can touch while speaking because what you say becomes more effective
Sometimes, hugging even works.
III. Common Marital Problems
a. Becoming distant
a. Becoming distant
Common problems include:
“I feel like we are going apart”
“He’s never home”
“He doesn’t spend time with family”
“I feel like we are going apart”
“He’s never home”
“He doesn’t spend time with family”
Solutions:
-Find time with each other. Initially you do it automatically but later you need to take out time
-Talk about things that your spouse likes
– Keep the romance alive!
-Play games together.
-Have similar experiences like going together to Islamic lectures or doing any activity together.
b. Over critical and demanding husband
Common problems include:
“I can never do anything right”
“He blames me for everything”
“I cannot enjoy anything around him”
Solutions:
-Try to explain to the spouse that ” I am trying to be perfect but the way you say it, it hurts me and it is difficult for me to love you that way”
-Sometimes you need psychological help if your spouse is too demanding
-Find time with each other. Initially you do it automatically but later you need to take out time
-Talk about things that your spouse likes
– Keep the romance alive!
-Play games together.
-Have similar experiences like going together to Islamic lectures or doing any activity together.
b. Over critical and demanding husband
Common problems include:
“I can never do anything right”
“He blames me for everything”
“I cannot enjoy anything around him”
Solutions:
-Try to explain to the spouse that ” I am trying to be perfect but the way you say it, it hurts me and it is difficult for me to love you that way”
-Sometimes you need psychological help if your spouse is too demanding
c. Excessive fighting and backbiting
Common problems include:
” He is always in bad mood”
“There is no peace in the house”
“We are always fighting”
Common problems include:
” He is always in bad mood”
“There is no peace in the house”
“We are always fighting”
Solutions:
Remember that some salt is like a seasoning in the food and so it is in the relationship of husband and wife. But too much of it is bad. Identify the root cause of the problems. (See conflict Resolution)
d. Issues with In-laws
Common problems include:
“They interfere too much”
“Mother in law is dominating”
“He can never say anything to his mother”
Solutions:
-You need to hold balance but not at the expense of your children.
-Never say anything bad about your in-laws
-Once a week, a woman has a right to go to her mother’s place even if husband doesnt want her to. It’s her right.
– Older brother takes the position of father when father passes away so give him due respect
– a woman has a right to demand her husband three things: a separate living area, a separate kitchen and a separate entrance to her home.
– If you are too busy and your inlaws want you to attend too many invitations etc, then you can explain ” Okay, I can attend this and this event, but I will not be able to attend that event” Tell them prior to the event. Don’t tell or complain at the last moment
“They interfere too much”
“Mother in law is dominating”
“He can never say anything to his mother”
Solutions:
-You need to hold balance but not at the expense of your children.
-Never say anything bad about your in-laws
-Once a week, a woman has a right to go to her mother’s place even if husband doesnt want her to. It’s her right.
– Older brother takes the position of father when father passes away so give him due respect
– a woman has a right to demand her husband three things: a separate living area, a separate kitchen and a separate entrance to her home.
– If you are too busy and your inlaws want you to attend too many invitations etc, then you can explain ” Okay, I can attend this and this event, but I will not be able to attend that event” Tell them prior to the event. Don’t tell or complain at the last moment
e. Impermissible actions/ Reactions
Sometimes your spouse may ask you to do something haraam or is involved in doing something haraam himself. Remember the hadith which says that there is no obedience to the creation, if it involves disobedience to the Creator.
Solutions:
-Try to educate your spouse about it.
– If the wife continues doing haraam activity, then the husband should
a. first stop speaking to her
b. Next separate bed from her
c. Next, extremely lightly hit her with a miswak ( This is more symbolic and should not cause physical pain)
– If the wife continues doing haraam activity, then the husband should
a. first stop speaking to her
b. Next separate bed from her
c. Next, extremely lightly hit her with a miswak ( This is more symbolic and should not cause physical pain)
What to do when there is no way out?
i. Divorce: This should be the very last resort. Remember, it is the most disliked of all permissible acts
ii. Do Sabr: Remember that no life is perfect and we need to do sabr in a lot of situation
iii. Enhance your Spirituality:
– Make dua to Allah SWT.
-Work on your relationship with Allah SWT and everything will start falling into place
-Do Zikr of Allah
-Attend Islamic classes etc
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SPIRITUAL REFLECTION ON MARRIAGE IN QURAN
Allah has placed the love and desire for women in the hearts of men
Love is when you unite with someone and give them preference over yourself
The most important and foremost love in our lives should be for Allah. Those who believe are extremely intense and intensely extreme in their love for Allah. The next most important love is the love for RasulAllah SAWW. These loves are the foundation of all other loves.
The love between a husband and wife form the definition of love for their children. Children observe their parents gestures and actions and learn from them.
Zaahir is what appears apparently and baatin is what Allah knows about the reality of things.
The greatest zahri manifestation of Allah's creation is a woman(in terms of outward beauty). This beauty should be revealed in front of her husband and hidden(baatin) from the rest of the world.
e.g. There was a sahabi Abu Talha RA who had to go for a trade caravan. His wife Umme Sulaym RA was expecting and delivered a baby boy. The baby passed a few hours before the husband came. She thought that the husband would be in immense grief and devastated at this news so she just wrapped her baby in a sheet and put him on the bed. She dressed up for her husband and told her husband that the baby is lying there in peace. She offered herself for intimacy so that he husband would be in a better state. Then she said, if Allah gives an imanah to someone, should one return it?Husband said yes. Should we return it with grief or joy? The husband said with joy. Then she told him Allah give us the imanah of a son and has taken it back. Go bury him and return with joy. He was sad and so he went to Nabi kareem SAWW. Nabi Kareem SAWW gave so many duas that she had 9 sons and each of them became great imams for the ummah.
The love between a husband and wife is eternal. Go to Jannah, you and your wife together. SO a husband and a wife may go to jannah with the barakah of each other.
KHUTBA OF NIKKAH
The common theme in the khutba of nikkah is TAQWA
O mankind, you should fear your Rabb who created you from a single self and created from you your zauj. Allah propagated from you the human race.
You should fear Allah through whom/by whom you ask one another(in whose name you become husband and wife).
Fear Allah as He deserves to be feared. (Fulfill the haqq of taqwa)
Fear Allah and always speak the truth. Allah will do islaah of your amaal and forgive you for all of your sins. Whoever obeys Allah and the Rasul(with regards to dealing with each other), that person would have reached an AZEEM success.
Our imaan depends on this relation. Our deen depends on this relation.
You must always speak true straight proper and correct speech.
Being the right husband and the right wife is a direct ticket to Jannah tul firdaus.
Has not the time come for the believers that their heart should have fear of Allah SWT whenever Allah is mentioned and the Quran is recited.
Fear is the only emotion that will keep us away from sin. This will keep one away from following nafs. Only the one who fears Allah in the unseen will be truthful towards his spouse. Allah even commands us to fear him inside salaah so it is even more important outside salaah. Khashiyah is the special fear that is the product of love. It is the fear of disappointing someone or letting them down or the fear of not being loved back.
6 TYPES OF TEARS
Some tears are due to grief or a difficult trial. Some tears are due to separation from loved ones e.g. Yusuf AS's father's tears. Some tears are in tilawah out of emotion. Some tears are out of yearning and love for Allah e.g. looking at Haram (khana kaba). Some tears are out of shukar. Some tears are of khasiyah and fear of Allah.
4 TYPES OF FEARS
oh Allah I ask of you such a fear of you that will come between me and my sin.
Allahumma inni asulaka min khasyatika maa tuhooto bihi baiynii was baiyna masiyati
1)Fear of Jahannum (ordinary people fear this)
2)Fear of not doing enough(fear of the saliheen)
3)Fear of amaals being rejected and not being maqbool indAllah(fear of siddiqeen)
4)Fear of bayniazi/istigna of Allah(Fear of nabbiyeen). What if Allah swt says that I don't want you.
