Time, Love, Praise and Encouragement in Relationships

I’m not gonna be speaking about some very high ideals. I’m gonna talking about some very basic things. That I personally feel, actually I’m really convinced, are plaguing all families, muslim or non, and muslim  are no exception to the problems of family in the modern times. So the problems that non muslims are facing in their family, we’re not too far behind. And to assume that we are somehow immune of the problems of the modern world, is a deception.

 People get an education nowadays to get a good carrier, that’s probably the number one reason you’re going to school, or you’re sending your children to school or plan to send your children to school, that eventually they will have a good way of making money for themselves, a carrier, a meaningful carrier. The second reason why people pursue an education is to get credential. It’s kind of a show of respect, that I went to college, I graduated, I have a degree. It’s kind of a show of unrespectable member of society. When you’re not able to finish your high school, or diploma, or go to college or whatever else, it’s almost a disgrace in most of the society. Especially in the society where the parent did not have such an opportunity, like they were farmers, or taxi drivers or whatever else. They dream that their child when he grows up or she grows up, they will definitely get an education. So the 2 fundamental reasons for which people pursue an education nowadays, is either to get a carrier, or to gain some respect in society. These are the 2 reasons that are shared by all people. This is not a muslim thing, this is across the world. Go on and ask somebody why do they pursue an education in Australia, and china or in Pakistan and they will tell you the same thing.

But what I wanted to add to this discussion and what this had to do with family and relationship is that we’re living in strange times, where you can have a Phd in biochemistry and you can have a doctor in nuclear physics or history or political science..and the guy does not know how to be a good husband! The guy has no clue how to be a neighbor. He has no idea how to be a good son. Or a good father for that matter. He has no clue. I would consider it a basic education. To be a decent son, a decent father, a decent neighbor, basically a decent human being, a decent husband. These are the basic things. But people have pursued and we’ve defined for ourselves education and other things and when it comes to the very basic of being a decent member of society and a decent member of your family, we are almost completely ignorant. 

And a lot of times people that are completely ignorant may even be the extremely knowledgeable in religion. This is the crazy part. The religion that came to make you a decent person, the religion that came to make you respectable human being, that gives you your dignity back, people have knowledge of this religion, they’re attending courses, seminars, listening to speeches, memorizing surahs, studying tafseer, and yet they don't know how to talk to their wife or talk to their mother. They don't know how to carry a conversation on the phone. They lose their temper all too easily. subhanAllah, it’s incredible. It’s really ironic. So what I wanted to focus on are some very basic things. 

Subhanallah, it’s a gift from Allah to me, I’m grateful, eternally grateful, that I have had the opportunity to see over a hundred and fifty muslim comunitties all over the US. Masjid to masjid to masjid. Community to community to community. And you know what I see? I see the same thing. I see the same exact mistake being repeated by us, over and over and over again. And you know who comes to me all the time and says “Can you talk to my children?” Parents of teenagers. Parents of teenagers. “You know, my son, he just doesn’t listen to me anymore. Can you talk to him?” Like I have some prescription drug that I carry with me. Or you what it is, the son comes over and I’m gonna be like “fuuhh…” and all of sudden he’ll be this amazing kid. “But if you just talk to him…” “No no no..what if YOU talk to him…and where were you when there were times to talk to him?” Let me tell you something about, I’m gonna talk about parents first, a little bit, then I’ll talk about couple and that’s the only time we have. Two things. To kind of fundamentals relationships, your relationship with your children and your relationship with your spouse. So we’ll talk about some very basic things in regards to both.

When your children are little, when they little, when they were 5/6/7/2/3/4, you know what the most important thing for them is? I have 5 of those, I could tell you. The most important thing for them is your approval. They wanna make you proud, man. They wanna show you what they did.

I’ll be on an important work phone call, and my son, my 2 years old son would come over, “Aba! Aba! Aba!” Like ok, “Hold on” “What is it?” “Ehe…” (laughs) nothing… I’ll go back on the phone and he’ll start calling me again I’ll be like “Ok ok ok..what is it?” “I will show you something.” “What do you want to show me?” (jump in the place) That is it! (Laughs) but you know what I’m supposed to do? “Oh my God! That’s awesome!! Do it again!!..” “I’ll call you back”  (Laughs). You’re supposed to appreciate what children do, they live for that. They desire that more than anything else. I have 3 girls, and you know different between girls and boys? Boy can’t sit still and Girls can’t stop this. Right? So I pick my girls up from school, one from first grade and one from 3^rd grade, I pick them up from school, it’s a 25 minutes ride back home and what are they doing the whole way? “You know what happen today in class? We colored the dinosaurs and we did this and that and I was coloring with purple but then I decided to put in some green…” And they’re going on and on and on and they cannot help themselves. And they cannot stop and I have to pay attention and listen. I have to listen and say “ooh what about blue?” “No I did only a little bit blue.” Right? I have to pay attention. And you know why I’m saying all of this?

  Just one more story on the side, just to wake you up a little.  I share this story all the time. My eldest daughter, Husna, when she was younger she was really into finger painting. Just dip her hands and paint and just make a big all mess. And she brings this big cardboard to me and it’s a big blob of blue, I don’t see anything. And she says, “Aba! Look what I made!” and I’m sit in there and going “That’s awesome! A mountain!” and she says, “No, it’s mama!”  and I was like “ooh..Don’t tell mama.” But the point I’m trying to make is they live for your approval. They live for it.

 But those of you that have children that are teenagers, do they get in the car when you pick them up from school and they can’t stop telling you what happened, does that happen? “Oh you know what happened in the school today, my teacher said this and that and the other and I got an A on my paper..” Nope, they’re quiet. And you’re trying to ask “How was you day?” “It was okay.” “So what you do?” “Something” “Where you going today?” “Somewhere”. They don’t talk. Getting them to talk is like interrogation at a police station. And they’re not saying anything to you. And while you’re trying to ask them question, they’re texting their friends, “My Dad is asking too many questions today. I don’t know what’s up. Did you tell him something?” what I’m trying to get at is very simple. At a younger age, your children crave your attention. And when they got older, you will crave their attention. But if you don’t give them attention when they they’re tiny, when they come to you with their toys and you say, “Go to your room! I’m watching the news!” “The game is on, could you take him, please?” “Come on, I had a long day at work. I don’t want to deal with this right now.” “I have friends over, it’s a embarrassing, go to sleep! Go get out of here.” When you have this attitude towards your children, like they’re an obstacle in your path, your job was at work, when you come home you’re on vacation..

No buddy! Your job began when you came home. That’s your job. What you did over there just to fulfill your real job at home. Be a father! I’m talking to the man here. Be a father, spend time with your children. They’re not just there so you put them up in school, and you come home from work and just wanna go to sleep, you don’t wanna bother with anybody, you don’t wanna talk to them, and actually the easiest way to not talk to them is to get them an ipod touch and iphone, and get them a computer, a laptop in their own room with high speed internet so you don’t even have to look at their face. They could just be on their room all day, facebook-ing, finding themselves a new set of parents online.

Seriously.. Be a father! Be a mother! Don’t replace your motherhood and your fatherhood with these things because if you do, when they become independent, you know what happens to most parents? To most of you, your children, they only see you as a bunch of elders walking around. And the only time they come and talk to you, “Dad, can I have 5 bucks?” Actually nobody asks for 5 bucks anymore, right? It’s 20’s nowadays? And I know youth, they haven’t seen money that small, they don’t know 5’s.  “Can I have 20 dollars?” “Can I go to the mall?” “Can you drop me off?” “Can I go over my friend’s house?” Can I do this, can I do that, can I do the other..when they want something, they come to you. Otherwise, you don’t see them. And when they got to certain age, when they are old enough to make they own a little bit of money, guess what? You’re not gonna see them at all. ‘Cause your cash register is no longer relevant. That’s no longer relevant. 

If this is a relationship you are setting yourself up for, you’re headed for destruction. We gotta change this now. And the way to change it, and it’s gonna be hard for a lot of you to implement this, but we have to be friends with our children. We have to be their best friends. They should enjoy hanging out with us the most, the parents. The parent should not be a nuisance. The parent should be a joy to children. They should be a joy to them.

And being a good parent doesn't mean you get them toys, and you got them nice things and you nice clothes. That’s all there, that’s fine and dandy. But the most important thing, you give them right now, is your time. Especially in this society where so many things are pulling away at their time. And the thing you’re not able to give them, you can give them their own room, you can give them money, you can give them allowance, you can give them cloths, but you don't give them time. And when you don’t give them time, they separate themselves mentally from you. They cut themselves off. They learn to become independent in an early age. And independent in this society really means alienated. It doesn’t mean just independent.

This is a serious matter on how to raise our children. We have to openly communicate with them. And that’s the other thing. And part of the communication, only one more thing about parent before I go to marriage, just one more basic thing about parenting in this society. You know there’s certain things in islam that are absolutely unacceptable. They’re taboo, they’re forbidden, they’re haram, they’re evil…But our children see it everyday. They see this stuff everyday. You can’t even avoid it. They’re looking out their window and they see a billboard. You know.. They just watching cartoon and an ad comes on. they see this stuff. And when you put, most of you, put them in school, and I don’t even say an Islamic school are safe, because most kids in the Islamic school are watching the same show the kids at the public school are watching. And they’re talking about it at the school too. Let’s face a reality for a moment. They are exposed to a lot. They really are. So the first time your daughter comes home and start to talking about some, you know, Disney boy, that they’re pushing on the media, or some girl that sing a lot of songs and these are the filthy role models. Filthy. They are worse than the animals. I’d rather, my children watch like puppet animals than watch this people. ‘Cause they behave worse than animal, Wallahi. This the “Hannah Montana of the world”,  are the filth of the planet. They really are. And I have seen this. Little girl, muslim girl with a hijab on, going to Islamic school with a Hannah Montanah bookbag. What is wrong with you, parents? What happen to you? This is unacceptable.

But once your children brings something like that up, they say something like that. They say something that completely unacceptable for you. What happens to most of the parents? “This is wrong! You don’t talk about this thing. Astagifirullah! Say Astagfirullah!” “ Fine, I guess you don’t want to talk about it. I’ll just talk to my friends about it then.” And you know what you just did? You just basically told them, if you have something of this nature, the controversial nature, don’t talk to me about it, but does that mean they won’t talk about it at all? They will talk to someone, and who it is gonna be? Their friends. Most of the time, their non muslim friends. From whom they will get non muslim kinds of advice. You, close the door to communication. And me, being from the back ground I am, my ancient history is afghan, so I have a hot temper. So my daughter came home one day, pre-school, my daughter was in pre-school. But we have this, we are very possessive to our daughters, you know.  So she goes and says “You know, Ahmad was so funny in class today” I was like, “Who’s Ahmad?!?” And my wife says to me, “Calm down, let me talk to her. You go away, you can’t handle this.” And she talks to her..”It was nothing, he was just fell off the chair, she was thinking it was funny, it’s very innocent.” But if she hears, “My Dad really get upset when he hear the name Ahmad  or whatever, so I better not bring it up. I better not tell my parents what happen at school then I’ve shut the door of communication. I’ve made that mistake. And a lot of parents made that mistake and they are paying the price now and listening to this and shedding tears cause they remembering the mistake they made. They really are.

But lets switch gear, quickly insha Allahu ta’ala. And talk a little bit about marriage; the other fundamental, the core component of the healthy society. We cannot talk about dawah, we cannot talk about establishing a harmony in Islamic society until we have the harmony inside the household. But our households are the places of the chaos. How are we talking about the higher ideals in dakwah when our homes are broken? Husband and wife are arguing every day. Sarcasm inside the house. Nasty commentary towards each other. “You know you not really that pretty” “Oh you’re no Yusuf AS yourself. You don't see me cutting my hands.” Unnecessary sarcasm. Hurtful commentary towards each other. Hurtful words toward each other. And you know, a lot of times you know exactly what’s gonna annoy your wife. And you do it anyway. And a lot of times the woman they know exactly what’s gonna get under his skin. And they’ll say it anyway.  Just to see what happens. Right?

 And who’s watching all of this? While you’re doing this to each other? These word games you play with each other and this battle inside the house, who’s watching, who’s the real victim? The children. The children are learning this behavior. What kind of parents are they gonna be when they grow up? There’s no sense of forgiveness inside the marriage. you know, the muslim men, a lot of you who work in a public sphere, in a corporate or whatever else, you’ll go to work, your secretary highly inappropriately dressed, just smiling at you “How is it going, Mohammed? How was your day?” and you’re like, “It was pretty good, you know..” You come home, the wife at the house “I don’t wanna talk about it I had a long day at work.” This is what we’re doing inside our homes. Ruining our own relationship with our spouses. When was the last time, let me ask the brothers, I’m not at the position to speak on behalf of the sisters cause I’m not one. They should be getting advice from sisters. But let me talk to you and get on your case for a minute, on my own. When was the last time you got her a gift, Man? When was the last time you took her out the bazaar over there, and she picks up, and you’re like “No no no put that back” When was the last time you got here\ something? Without her asking? When was the last time you hang out with her? Just took her out for ice cream for no reason. They don’t ask for much, they also just ask for your time. They only ask for your time.

Wallahi there are sisters who complains to me and I couldn’t believe my ears. They complain to me that they haven’t seen their husband forever because when they come home, they sit on the computer and just youtube away the whole night. And they haven’t seen they’re crying. It’s like we’re not even married anymore. Get off of the computer, man! You have a wife, you have a children to deal with. That’s your priority. What are you sitting there listening to Islamic lecture, what islam is that?  We have to be courteous to our family. We have to extend, we have to be the best to them. The messenger SAW says “Khairukum li ahlihi. Wa anna khairumminkum li ahlihi”. The best of you are the one who’s best to their family. Who can actually claimed ‘I’m my best self to the family”? You guys are so much nicer to your friends! So much nicer to your coworkers! So much more courteous to the police officer who pulls you over. But you cannot extend that kind of courtesy to your mother, you can’t talk to her for 10 extra minutes, the moment she starts getting a little annoying and starts telling you all the thing you don’t do right, you say “I gotta go, I got another phone call. Can’t talk right now.” Listen to her! Sit there and listen to her! This is what you’re supposed to do. That’s your job. She didn’t do that with you “I can’t hear your crying right now, go on to the other room, shut it.” You know? “Deal with it yourself”. Your mother carried you, she took care of you.

We have to be the best to our spouses, we have to be the best to our parents. These are the fundamentals in the relationship. And by the way all the relationship get fixed if this two are fixed. And these two, the only way they’ll be fixed, if the relationship with Allah is fixed. So if you have marriage problems and parental problems, you know what the real problem is? Taqwa and Iman. You’re not grateful enough. Your spouses are the gift from Allah to you. And to be ungrateful to a gift is to be ungrateful to Allah SWT. Your parents are the gift of Allah to you. So if you don’t have a good relationship with them, who are you actually being ungrateful to? Think about that! SubhanAllah!

I urge you, seriously, start having dinner with the family. Don’t eat by yourself. Don’t eat at the separate time, make a time. I’m not demanding too much from you at all. Seriously make small commitments. Set a time in the day where the whole family gets together and prays together. And it’s a set time. Just like there’s a set time for the TV show, there’s a set time for homework, and the set time for you to get back from the work, there’s a set time to pray maghrib together. There’s a set time to pray Isha. Just one pray at least. You get together with the family and you pray together. That, in it of itself is a huge, it’s enormous. You can at least to this.  This much. Just start with this. Inside the house. And you’ll begin to see a better relationship with your wife and your children.

The final comment I wanted to make for you insha Allahu ta’ala, is about balance. And this is a long discussion I’ll open it but I’ll leave you to think about it. One time the messenger SAW was asked about ‘what islam is’. ‘What is this deen’. So he has to give a brief answer. He has to sum up the entire religion in very brief language. And he chose this ayat from suratun nisa. (qs.4:58) There’s one ayat, which summarizes the entire deen. And what ayat is this?  “Inna Allaha ya/murukum an tu-addooal-amanati ila ahliha..” 
It is no doubt that Allah who commands you to fulfill the rights of people, the trust that have been given to you to give them back in full, to those who deserve them.

 People have a right over you, people are having trusted you for something and you should fulfill it completely, that is what Allah commands you.
 “…wa-itha hakamtumbayna annasi an tahkumoo bilAAadl” And whenever you make decision between people, make those decisions with justice. 

Make them with justice. And I won’t even go through the rest of the ayat, let me tell you something. Especially to the men, those who are responsible, the shepherd of the household. You are pulled in a different directions. The deen is pulling you, your job is pulling you, your wife is pulling you, your children are pulling you, your parents are pulling you. You have all these obligations to all these different things. And sometimes your mother asks you to do something, which will be a violation of your wife’s rights. And your wife will ask you to do something that will be a violation of your mother’s rights. And there’s a battle going on. And who’s stuck in the middle? Who’s taking the beating? On one phone call with wife, the other with the mother, who’s in the middle? The husband. And a lot of times, what ends up happening is either he’s sides this way or he’s sides that way. What should we have to be? We have to be just (adil). We have to be the nicest, the kindest to our parents but we cannot lose the side of justice. You don’t have the right to violate the rights of your wife. Allah didn’t give you that right. No, you cannot fulfill somebody else’s obligation at the expense of somebody else’s. You can’t do that. Your children have a right over you. Nothing can take that away. You’ll be answerable to Allah for not fulfilling the rights of your children. You have  obligations to your spouse, you have an obligations to your parent. And each of them are separate. Don’t confuse them with each other. You have a tough job! You sign up for it! You’re the one who want to get married! You signed up for it already. You better learn to deal with it! This is the balance you have to establish. And Wallahi IF you don’t establish balance in your house, there will be chaos. There will be fighting all the time. There will be fighting between in laws, and children, and husband and wife and all kind of craziness in your home, because you haven’t learn how to balance yet. You haven’t learned how to fulfill your obligation yet.

And the role of the spouses, the wife is to help their husband find the balance. Not just to fulfill their agenda because they will answerable to Allah as well. They’re supposed to support their husband and help them. Stop being sarcastic towards each other. Stop complaining about each other, just do your part! Don’t expect from your wife, don’t expect from your husband, just expect from Allah! Just do what you’re supposed to do! What you deserve, will come from Allah, it will not come from your spouse. Get over it! Stop whining and stop complaining! The moment you start complaining, you are already not taking in to consideration all the good things Allah has given you.

And this is what I conclude with. How many things Allah has given us that we should be grateful for? How many things has Allah given us that we should be grateful for? We can’t count.  We can’t even count one ni’mat. If you were try to count one ni’mat of Allah, one blessing of Allah, you would not be able to encompass it. Allah’s favors are countless upon us. So if you find the time to complain, that means you didn’t have enough time to thank Allah for so many things, that you have enough times to complain about things. This is the height of ingratitude, when someone’s start to complaining. Quit complaining. If you have problems, learn to be grateful to Allah first and have sabr. The key to sabr is to being grateful to Allah. And if you don’t have patience, it means you ‘re not grateful enough. Really, if you don’t have patience, the secret is, you’re not grateful to Allah enough. 

You open up the fridge, there are 10 different kind of soda, you say, “Where is the orange juice?” “God! I told you to get it!” you’re not grateful enough to what you have in front of you. We have to learn to be grateful. We have to teach our children gratitude, we have to teach them to be grateful for what Allah has given to them. We have to make them children that are used to giving, not getting. We’re making them consumers! We’re making them zombies, “Get me this, get me that, get me this, get me that!” If they’re like this one them children, what are they gonna be like when they are adults? How is it a shock then that they’re gonna be fighting over the inheritance when they get older? You take them to “Toy’s R us” yourself so they can cry about over the 2 millions worth of merchandise that you still left behind after you left the store. We’re doing that to our own children. These are not high and the holy things, these are basics that form the foundation of healthy relationship. Let’s educate each other about them. Let’s make a serious commitment to raise the right kind of family. Let’s fix ourselves. Let’s spend time with our family together. Let’s make that our first priority. Wallahi if the family is good, the community is okay. And all of the problems you see in the community, you know, they’re not the community problems. They start with the family problems. Let’s fix those first.

May Allah SWT make us of those who are able to save themselves and their family from the hellfire

May Allah SWT make us of those who are able to be patient, the most patient with their own family, be the most merciful to their own family, the most forgiving to their own family, and

May Allah SWT make us of those who are able to reconnect the bonds that have been cut because of the fighting, the disputes, the arguments…May we become those who make the call back and says “You know what? No more silence. I’m gonna call my dad back. So what if we had a fight six months ago? I’ll call him back today after this conference. At least that’s one promise I make to Allah, I will reconnect that relationship.” “I will go apologize to my wife for what I said.” “I’ll go apologize to my husband for what I did.” “I will fix my self now because this is what I owe to Allah SWT”

May Allah make us of those people, may Allah SWT forgive our shortcomings.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

We all have two dimensions:

🎈One that we show to others
🎈One that is only known to us

We assume that if the dimension which we show to others, the outward self, has everything then we will be happy. But in reality what is happiness? How do people define their happiness? It depends on whose definition you are following. The media and social media and advertising industry would define happiness by showing you pictures of things you should buy – they try to sell you happiness.

But people who are happy, do they really have everything? Many people are affluent but they are unhappy. While many are deprived but they will tell you they are happy. The inner and outer dimension can be very opposite at times. Some girls just want to get married, because they think then everything will be alright. This is a big problem in our society – no one tells these girls what happens after marriage.

In the West they do research on everything. I once read an article on 7 habits of happy people. I thought that this is a part of our deen. What do we do when we want peace, contentment in our lives? We ask for something to recite. But we forget that in the life of Nabi sws you will find so many guidelines on how to think, how to feel. There’s a book called “An Optimistic Child”. The author of the book researched why some people go into depression. Everyone has a way to think. Thoughts of some people become their friend and thoughts of some people become their enemy. Some say being optimistic or pessimistic is genetic. No, rather these things are learnt. Anger is also a learnt behavior and so is negative and positive thinking.

The people with positive thinking don’t go into depression even in face of adversity. While those with a negative thinking go into depression quickly. Thought process acts as a vaccination against depression. When our thinking is strong we would not be easily lulled into depression. By the age of 10 this thinking is inculcated in people. But we are still not too old for this! Be positive!

Positive thinking are thinking skills – how you view the world. Some people look at the flowers and dew after rain and some look at the mud and dirt. It's a way of how you view things.

1. Happy People Avoid Comparison

Researchers say avoid comparison. But what do we do? We keep looking at others our entire lives. We keep thinking about what others think about us and what we think about them. We all do observe others, that’s not wrong. But to look with jealousy and desire is called comparing.

Happy people look at their own personal achievements. They look at their own goals, and vision. If they are getting it, they are happy. We are not happy because our happiness is dependent on others. We think if my friend will be happy with me then I will be happy.

Once there was a child who wanted to make friends in a group. He kept doing things with them so they would be happy with him, even though he disliked doing those things. He wanted to jump rope instead, which his friends didn't want. Once he decided he could not take it any longer so he started jump roping. He enjoyed it so much that gradually others also joined him. People want to be with happy people. If you are happy doing something, others will come to you.

2. They Are Not Put Down by Rejection

Many times the successful stories are about people who have faced a lot of rejection in life. They don’t give up – they don’t bow down to  peer pressure. Peer pressure is all around us. It is not just something that happens to young girls, but to older women also.

Quran: (loose translation) Do not look at the belongings of others with desire and longing. These are the things We have given them to enjoy for a little time and through which we test them.

Allah swt will test you with things you intensely love.

Hadith: (loose translation) In matters of deen look at those better than you, in matters of dunya look at those worse than you.

When you stop comparing to others only then will you accept yourself for who you are. You will think howsoever I am, Allah swt made me this way. When a person thinks this way, then Allah swt also gives more opportunity. When you stop trying to be like someone else, you will discover your own talents. Young girls should know they all have some talents. Maybe not something that the other girl is good at, but something else.

Sometimes you have to go against the current. These successful people were the same who were rejected by society – they were told they were not good enough. Steve Jobs was rejected at 30 – that is not a young age. But he worked after that and became successful.

3. They Smile A Lot

Research shows people who are happy smile a lot. Even fake smiling helps. When you have a tough situation – you have to go somewhere – just look at yourself in mirror and give yourself a big smile. In DHA in Lahore it’s written everywhere; smile, you will look better. Nabi sws would smile a lot, I’m sure he sws did not always feel like smiling.

Why are you smiling? If you smile because Nabi sws was a positive person and so you want to be too, then you will be happier and you will get reward as well. When you smile at someone, love increases.

Hadith: (loose translation) When husband and wife smile at one another, Allah swt also smiles at them.

Smiling within relationships is nice. It does not mean you go to a university and smile at a boy and say this is what you told us to do! This is only for halal relations.

Hadith: (loose translation) Smiling is also charity.

Smiling is for free! We can at least give this. Smiling should be a natural habit. Some wives are such even in dispute they start smiling. If a child comes towards you smiling, you would not want to scold him. This is a very strong tool. We need to make this a part of our lives.

Hadith: (loose translation) Don’t think small of any deed.

Smiling is a small thing but it has a deep effect. Even if you have to tell something to the helper, you can tell them with a smile. She will do it also and will also not mind it. Bad feelings will not be there.

4. They Seize Every Opportunity

Research also shows happy people seize every opportunity. They make things happen. They look at the positive in every situation.

Positive thinking in deen is called husn e zann – beautiful thinking. Husn e zann is not just for others, but for Allah swt as well as yourself.

Husn e Zann towards others:
1. Don’t judge others instantly, don’t pigeon hole them. Give them benefit of doubt. Overlook their mistakes. Think: I don’t know the whole story. If you see someone sinning, make 70 excuses. You can barely do 4-5. Think openly and be nice to them. Maybe Allah swt will give you opportunity to see good in them.

Hadith: (loose translation) Nabi sws once asked about a man who passed by what the sahabi ra thought of him. The Sahabi ra praised him. Another man passed by and Nabi sws inquired again. He expressed he had a lower status. Nabi sws said even if the men of the first kind were to fill up this world, they would not equate to the second person who had passed by.

I really like those people who don’t think highly of themselves, and others don’t think anything of them either. Mitta hua. Maybe Allah swt thinks very highly of them.

We should have mercy on people. We should give them a second chance.

Husn e Zann towards Allah swt:

Allah swt says I do with my servant the way he perceives Me. When we get jealous from people, we are thinking they don’t deserve a thing but in reality we are objecting to the division of Allah swt. It shows we are not pleased with Allah swt. What does it mean to be pleased with Allah swt?

A man asked Musa as how would I know Allah swt is pleased with me? Hadrat Musa as asked Allah swt this question. Allah swt said look in your heart, if you are happy with Allah, He is happy with you. Every relation is like this, but with Allah swt it is especially all the more so.

Hadith: (loose translation) Sahabi ra asked asked how to protect oneself from the anger and wrath of Allah swt. Nabi sws replied don’t get angry yourself.

Husne zann towards Allah swt also means to think that whatever has happened is for the best, it helps you let things go. It is an immensely liberating feeling. Many times people are not able to let go. They spend years thinking why this happened to me or that happened to me.

Research shows people who say “if” a lot; if this happened I would be happier; if that happened etc. This makes people less happy. One is to learn from mistakes that we should do. That I did that mistake I will be careful next time.

Husn e Zann towards yourself:

Positive self image. So many women have everything – looks, education, intelligence, financial stability – but they are still unhappy with themselves. They have a low self esteem. Having an I-can-do-it attitude helps; Allah swt has made human the best of creation and I have some good qualities. Every person has some good qualities. Thinking I can do it; Maybe not right now but at some point.

Maybe we have troubles because we make big aspiring duas and have less deeds. So Allah swt accepts the dua and sends trials and tribulations so this girl can do sabr and get that status. Whenever you have troubles think maybe through this trouble Allah swt is teaching me something.

Even through kids, you learn a lot. We get worried we can’t do this or do that. Taking care of kids is not an easy job. 20 years prior to marriage I did not have hilm and sabr like I have now. Some people become more beautiful with age – internally. People can do botox etc but we are all headed on the same path in that we are all ageing. But those who work internally, it’s like cleansing and beautifying our heart; this is something which increases with age. Then outward beauty will not effect you so much.

Once Ibrahim's as hair started getting grey. Hadrat Jibrael as said this is izzat. Hadrat Ibrahim as said ask Allah swt to grant me more of these! Look at how positive Allah swt has made our deen that even ageing is seen as a good thing.

These people who beautify their hearts are attractive to the heart. You would like to sit with these people. You will enjoy their company.

How to become a positive person:

Suhbat: If you spend time with positive people it will rub off on you. Allah swt says be with the truthful. Allah swt did not say listen to them, or read their books. Just being with them has an effect. This side has been proven as well scientifically. Neurocardiology shows that heart has its own thinking process. Everyone’s heart has a magnetic field that goes to several feet.

Some people are always depressed – they are always saying haye haye halaat. This effects others. And women have this a lot in them. Their moods and emotions get effected. When you get nervous you release a hormone which your kids also catch. When you are getting ready, the child cries more. They pick up on these things.

Exercise: This is a habit of happy people. This is also religious. Three things should be taught to children: swimming, horse back riding and..? (archery?)

You can do very light exercise like just walking, it releases endorphins that makes us happier.

5. They Make Friends and Treasure Their Family

Happy people make friends. Your family is your treasure – value them. Happy people have good relationships who support them. Even if they are a few – not the fakebook friends on how many likes I got and how many likes she got. That’s a weird world. Real friendship means an emotional bond.

Hadith: a good friend is like a fragrance seller.

BBC had an article on mean girls. It said mean girls don’t just effect a person emotionally, but also physically effects their health. It can make you ill.

Then treasuring family – so many people damage their relationships with their brothers/sisters on petty issues. When we break ties, Allah swt takes away barakah. Once a woman said I’m not happy everything was going well then we started having problems with this relative and I think they must have done something. I told her maybe try making up with that relative – do sila rehmi. And she did that which did solve her problems.

Your closest friend is Allah swt. Allah swt says He is the closest friend of those who believe. Those who don’t have Allah swt, they don’t have anything regardless of how many amazing friends they may have have.

What does a relationship mean in a nutshell: All our emotions should link to Allah swt – the extremes of our emotions are smiling and crying. If you are not feeling great, still say it, from your heart, Alhamdulillah. You will start feeling great. These are the signs of the wise.  Allah swt says He gave Hadrat Luqman as hikmah so he will be grateful to Allah swt.

Once a boy came to a doctor started crying because he had cancer, despite the fact that he had everything. He complained, why me? Doctor said why not you? We have so much but we still complain.

Our thought process can become very positive and so can be our lives.

6. They Give Charity

Research shows people who give charity are happier people. It’s called helper’s high. It’s a human reaction. When you help someone else you enjoy it too. You feel good. Our religion teaches sadqa makes Allah swt happy too. A person with a giving nature gets more from Allah swt. The one who spends on others, he will be spent on (by Allah). What Allah swt gives to us is way more precious.

Hadith: Nabi sws told Hadrat Aisha ra that whatever you have given away that is baqi (everlasting) and that which you saved for us that is fani (it will come to an end).

This is a completely different perspective of looking at things. If you give something to someone randomly they are pleased but the person giving gets even more happiness.

7. They Do Not Value Money Above Other Things

Happy people are those to whom money is a low priority. It does not mean they don’t need it or don’t have it. And those who give more priority to money they have more depression. Dunya is a place of deception. If a girl has made dunya her priority then she should think I am deceived more than others.

This world is a place of enjoyment and deception. The child who plays with their pretend toys, they know it’s not real. They will play with their pretend kitchen set, but when they are hungry they will go to their mother. You can enjoy dunya but don’t make it a purpose of your life. Those who make this world their only priority are never happy. If you get something be grateful and enjoy it. We have seen people who don’t love this world they enjoy this world more. Those who love it, even if the have it, are always worried about getting more of it, or fearful of losing it.

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May Allah swt grant us all of these qualities and make us a positive person like Nabi e Kareem sws.

Surah baqarah ayah 26-29

2:26

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Sahih International

Indeed, Allah is not timid to present an example - that of a mosquito or what is smaller than it. And those who have believed know that it is the truth from their Lord. But as for those who disbelieve, they say, "What did Allah intend by this as an example?" He misleads many thereby and guides many thereby. And He misleads not except the defiantly disobedient,

2:27

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In the world, there has never been such a revolution where the thinker and the one carrying the idea is the same person. Usually the thought is given by a philosopher which takes hundreds of years to materialise into a revolution which is led by someone else. The Prophet SAWW received revelation at 40 years and brought about a complete revelation in only 23 years which was in every minor and major sphere of life. Revelations are usually EITHER on a public level or a personal level and never affect every sphere of  life.  The Quran lives in the hearts of people so even if all books of the Quran are taken away, the Quran will continue to live in the hearts of the people. No other book can be recovered in this way. The words of Allah are like an ocean which never dries, and people will find new treasures every time they dive into the ocean of the Quran. 


>There is no doubt that Allah is not embarrassed to strike an example. Allah deliberately gives easy examples as Allah comes down to our level and wants to enhance our understanding just like a good teacher. 
Striking an example is an arabic figure of speech, just like when you strike something it makes noise and everybodys attention is diverted towards the source, 2ndly it means that the example has an impact on the people..so Allah is not embarrassed to strike an example even if its that of a baby mosquito or even smaller than that..fauqa means above and beyond(meaning even more miniscule than that). Baooza was the smallest insect visible to the eyes of Arabs, a baby mosquito or a fraction of a mosquito. Fauqaha means even bigger than that or even more far fetched than that. 

In surah Hajj Allah gives the example of a fly, you cannot even create a fly even if you come together to do it. The point isn't the example, the point is that what is the point behind that example, just like a teacher uses examples to convey his point

Allah said His book is a guidance in the beginning of this surah..so people who reject it try to come up with things to substantiate their claim,so they make fun of these examples..why does your God give such silly examples? As for the believer when he hears an example, even if he doesnt fully understand it he submits to it and declares Allahs greatness.HAQQ means that it is purposeful and rightful and has worth and there is a reason for it.  A believer's attitude should be full of humility like a slave, and even if we do not understand something we should make dua that Allah opens the door to wisdom for us. Allah tells all these examples for our understanding so we should be grateful. 

The disbelievers ask:what does Allah intend by using THIS as an example?they are saying whats the point of talking about that?(in a condescending way). They are too caught up in the objects used as examples to bother about the lesson. Our deen does not discourage questions but the questions have to be with the right attitude with the intention of understanding, NOT criticising. Allah says that He misguides with it many and guides with it many.IT could refer to this example...and it could also refer to the Quran..this shows that guidance depends upon the motives with which the person comes to the Quran..if somebody comes with poison in his heart he wont be guided

Allah first mentions the misguided because they are greater in number..then Allah clarifies that only that person is misguided who is inherently corrupt, the faasiqeen. Fasaqa is basically used for peel that has gone bad and the inside comes out of that.  The corruption in these people is so bad that it starts coming out and the filth could not be contained within them.

Sahih International

Who break the covenant of Allah after contracting it and sever that which Allah has ordered to be joined and cause corruption on earth. It is those who are the losers.

2:28

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Naqada means to undo a knot. It refers to those who untie the promise made to Allah because the promise used to tie us to Allah. Usually a rope is used to tie something, and the Quran is the rope which ties us to Allah. This refers to those who let go of Quran's words and the promise. And they untied the knot after it was tied STRONGLY (misaaqihi)

Fasiqeen are those who violated the covenant..the 1st covenant was the 1 made when all souls testified to Allah(surah airaf 177)..the appreciation of Allah was installed in our hard drives even before we matured..so these people broke that covenant

There are people even among muslims who have taken the covenant over again and took their shahadah, even they question the Quran,theres no room for us to say I dont think this makes sense/I dont agree with it

They cut apart what Allah had enjoined to be kept together..this refers to islamic brotherhood..this also refers to the faasiqs family relations as the faasiq cuts off relations. Some relations are tied by blood and cannot be cut apart no matter what we say. The faasiqeen sever their ties with Allah and with the people. When these relationships are cut then this results in fasaad on the Earth. 

One of the movements within hypocrisy was to separate Quran from sunnah..even in the Prophet SAWW's time..Allah has commanded that Quran and sunnah SHOULD be together..but the munaafiq wants to separate those two so that he can interpret the Quran in whatever way he likes..he is no longer caged by the ahadith..even today people say that they are not obligated to follow the Prophet SAWW..this is an attack directly on the Quran, not on the sunnah and theres no room to make this claim

They cause corruption in the land,other people suffer as a result..Allah says that even though they think they are harming others,they themselves are the losers as the harm to their own selves is the greatest

Sahih International

How can you disbelieve in Allah when you were lifeless and He brought you to life; then He will cause you to die, then He will bring you [back] to life, and then to Him you will be returned.

How can any of you disbelieve in Allah?be ungrateful to Allah?you used to be dead and he brought you to life then he will give you death again and bring you to life again then you will be returned..our entire life is described in this ayah..so how can we be ungrateful when we know that we have to return to Allah and answer to Him?we are on a conveyer belt whether we like it or not, we are constantly moving towards our return

All of the creation on Earth was created at the same time and we were with Allah in aalam e arwah. We used to speak to Allah directly. Allah asked us am I not your master and we testified that Allah is our master.Then Allah put us under some kind of sleep so we became lifeless. Then Allah brought us to life by putting rooh inside our body and bringing us to life on Earth. Then we will die again and be returned to Allah. So we have two lives and two deaths. Allah begins with lifeless but we can only be lifeless once we have experienced life (which was in alam e arwah in the company of Allah). We are all on the filtrat of Allah. We have glimpses of the sifaat of Allah. Allah has created us as a reflection of His qualities in some form. Our desire for better and more and for perfection will never be satisfied in this world but will only be satisfied when we meet Allah.

The more we love someone, and the more we care, the more expectations we have and the more hurt we become if they are not met. We are very close to Allah because we were together in alam e arwah and we have a special connection with Allah. The prophet SAWW is the closest to Allah who went even as far as the heavens on mairaj. Even the angels did not compare to the rank of our humans and Jibrael AS the mighty angel could not even go as far as the Prophet SAWW. But we forget the closeness and we become obsessed with the dunya and bodily needs and the material world. When we hold on to the rope of Allah through revelation, we are connected to Allah. 

2:29

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Sahih International

It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens, and He is Knowing of all things.

He created whatever is on the Earth for all of us,for all nations,for all the humanity..Recall that jannah is also created for us..so how are these two different?The purpose of dunya is to be a tool to get to hannah..


Allah created EVERYTHING for ALL OF US(Jameean- all religions and races and castes) so that means everything has a purpose and benefit for humans. Everything is of use to us. And everything is supposed to be shared with everyone and all humans have to use resources collectively. How can things like harmful animals and pests be of benefit to us? Such things are a benefit to our rooh because they remind us of what Allah might have put in jahannum as punishment so they remind us of our mission.  

Allah not only made things ONLY practical for us or ONLY beautiful for us but rather Allah made them both practical and beautiful to satisfy both kinds of people and both these traits in people. The Quran is also not only practical but also beautiful, so it has a list of laws and halal haram but is also extremely beautiful. Both these aspects compliment each other and complete each other. 

Sakhara means to domesticate animals and take control over them. Allah says he subdued the universe and did taskheer for ALL of us. How is everything under out control?Allah subdued for us everything on earth so that we could extract maximum benefit from everything. Allah also subdued the skies for us so everything is perfectly in orbit and nothing harms the earth(Allah has kept away meteors and other such chaotic things),  and has also subdued the skies for us so that we can travel in the skies. Allah also humbled the earth so that we are protected from natural disasters like volcanoes, earthquakes etc. The earth is waiting to explode and shake,  and the earth can be destroyed any moment by a flying star or meteor gone chaotic, but it is waiting for Allah's command, and on the day of judgement everything will be turned over. 

Allah turned His attention UPWARDS/Towards the sky and balanced it in seven layers. Istawa is used to climb on something e.g. when Hazrat Nooh AS's qaum climbed on the ship, or it is used to climb on animals. Allah rose up on a throne. Imam Malik RA's explains how to understand this because we start imagining things and often our imagination goes wild. Imam Malik RA says that it is something we have to believe in and asking useless questions about it is a form of biddah as it is focusing on things which do not concern us. We are only supposed to ask meaningful questions in deen.  Allah says HE knows everything(while we were having curiosity about how it happens). Allah puts us back in our place because we only know what Allah gives us of His knowledge.  Some people become obsessed with trying to interpret such mutashaabihat but we should humbly stay away from it. 

Thumma is not used here for order but it is used for MOREOVER: Not only did Allah make the earth but he also made the skies. Allah made everything full of blessings for us so that we could be appreciative and we could utilise it in good. Allah created seven skies but probably we have only gotten as far as the first sky because Allah says Allah has adorned the first sky  above the Earth with stars and all we have been able to see are stars. 

How did Allah rise to the sky?a bedouin kept asking such mutashaabihaat question from everyone,hazrat umar punched him in the face..because we are not supposed to delve into the mutashabihaat..the purpose of Allah mentioning these things is not for us to question unnecessarily but rather to be humbled..we are put in our place.

Human beings are always in pursuit of happiness but that will only be fulfilled when we reach Allah. Allah Himself says ala rabbikal muntaha(the intehaa is towards Allah). Allah is the one who makes us laugh and cry. The ultimate crying is not due to sadness but it is due to joy, when we meet Allah and are in His company. 

Surah Baqarah ayah 22-25

2:22

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Sahih International

[He] who made for you the earth a bed [spread out] and the sky a ceiling and sent down from the sky, rain and brought forth thereby fruits as provision for you. So do not attribute to Allah equals while you know [that there is nothing similar to Him].

Ja-ala means placing for our service or furnishing for us. It is used for a favour because Allah facilitated for us the Earth as a firaash(something that is laid down, soft and easy and firm to walk and live on). Firaash is like a bed, because people used to sleep on the floor in old times so Allah has made the earth comfortable for everyone to sleep and live anywhere.Then Allah sent down water and brought out fruits for us, so Allah is reminding us of the sustenance he has provided us with. Allah could have given us grass to eat like animals, but Allah made food so beautiful and attractive and delicious for us. Every fruit has its own flavour and its own wrapping. Allah went out of the way to provide us with blessings but we often fail to acknowledge them.

So don't furnish competitors for Allah. NIDD means an equivalent and competitor. Tandeed is to raise your voice against something. It means we shouldn't live our life in opposition of Allah and we shouldn't challenge or disobey Allah in any way. We can't put Allah's and our will together because Allah is above us. We make our desires, our nafs, our greed, our relationships a competitor to Allah.

2:23

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Sahih International

And if you are in doubt about what We have sent down upon Our Servant [Muhammad], then produce a surah the like thereof and call upon your witnesses other than Allah , if you should be truthful.

2:24

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For 10 years, the prophet constantly tried to convince the mushrikeen to believe in Allah, but they kept rejecting it, he tried every possible means, only THEN did Allah say that why dont you produce a surah like this one, this shows that the dawah doesnt BEGIN with this challenge but it ends with this challenge..we are not supposed to begin dawah with this.Allah said this to the most obnoxious people who rejected the best daee as a last resort, this left them stumped. Dawah begins by inviting people to their good nature and calling them to their fitrah. When people do not accept the truth, then Allah gives them miracles and even if they reject clear miracles, then Allah challenges them.

Allah calls our Prophet SAWW abd in this ayah, and Allah always calls him SAWW abd whenever Allah mentions his highest status. e.g. Allah also calls him SAWW abd when mairaaj is mentioned. In this world, there is no station weaker than slavery, but in our deen this aboodiyat is a position go ultimate pride and it is the highest rank we can have. Slavery to Allah frees us of the slavery of the whole world, the cultural trends, relationships, peer pressure, fashion and what not. If we are not Allah's slave, we become slaves of all these things.

SURAH comes from Soor. Soon means the large outer walls of a city. The purpose of the walls is to protect the city. These walls were unusually high so that nobody could scale them and they were unusually thick so that nobody could dig through them. These walls were the property of the king and not of the people. So when we say surah, our mind goes to Allah, the king of the kings. Arabs did not have such walls because they never had such construction, and it was only a feature of Roman and persian and other such great empires. So whatever is inside a soor is of a very high value. If somebody tries to scale those walls, it is an offence against Allah himself. These walls go from the bottom above because walls are constructed from the earth. Allah's surah is sent NAZZALNA down from the sky. Your surah can never beat this surah as it is from high up and is matchless.  It is called Surah because it protects the timeless guidance contained in the Surah.

Allah challenges people multiple times to produce Surahs like in Quran. When we study the ahadith, we see a clear difference in the type of language used by the Prophet SAWW in hadith and the Quran. The speech pattern is totally different and easily distinguishable. It is not from the same person. Even if all humans and jinns combine, they can't produce anything similar to the Quran.  This is the 6th time Allah has challenged the people in the chronologically order of the Quran. Bring me something min mislihi(even something remotely close to the surahs of the Quran). Allah says IF you have any doubt and IF you are truthful about having doubts then try and produce a Surah like this. Through this, Allah exposes the people that they in fact know this is is haqq and their pride is preventing them from accepting imaan.

There was Tufail, he was the leader of his tribe and an important person, some people warned him not to come into contact with Prophet SAWW because his words are magical and he might deviate you..but he decided to go anyway..then they told him to put cork in his ears as soon as he sees the messenger SAWW..then when he sees the Prophet reciting the Quran, he puts the cork in his ears and runs away..but as he was running he thought that im the leader of my tribe and an excellent poet, why cant i make a text like this..so he came back to listen to the Quran and ended up taking shahadah instead

Utba bin raiba was the worst enemy of islam, he was an excellent debator, he used to debate and insult the other party and make a fool out of them, so his people sent him to argue with the messenger, he came to the prophet SAWW and said what do you want?women money power what? when he was done the Prophet SAWW starts reciting from surah fussilat, then utba starts crying and he grabs the mouth of Prophet SAWW, he put a hand on his mouth and asks him to stop because he cannot listen anymore, then he bows and then he returns and says that i dont know what that is but its not magic, but i guarantee its going to be a huge event..so his people said he has done his magic on you too..

One of the final accusations against Quran was that its magic but magic is something you see, NOT something you hear, yet they called the words magic because they had an amazing impact on the listener, by calling it magic they acknowledged the overwhelming power of the Quran, they would start crying when they heard it, but look at us, all we are thinking in salah is that when is the ruku coming?

Allah says bring your witnesses,call upon your witnesses, this is done to mock their false Gods, the 2nd witnesses are their experts, the poets , the intellectuals etc who could testify for them whether Quran is legitimate or not , so Quran says why dont they bring their people as witnesses?

The disbelievers had no answer to the Qurans challenge so they started calling it magic to keep people away from Quran

Ghayra means OTHER THAN..doon means to be inferior..here Allah uses DOON to show that all the witnesses are inferior to Allah

Sahih International

But if you do not - and you will never be able to - then fear the Fire, whose fuel is men and stones, prepared for the disbelievers.

Amal is something done consciously. Fail is something done without conscious thinking, it might be something we are doing subconsciously without intention e.g. doodling. Amal is doing something with constant effort.   Allah is saying forget bringing a Surah, you can't even do anything close to it consciously or subconsciously.  LAM TAFALU means you haven't been able to do it in the past and the present, and LAN TAFALU means that you will never be able to do it.  Allah defeated the Quraysh with His kalam and words, and they could not come up with a literary response so they responded with war and aggression.

You hadn't been able to do so and you wont be able to do so, then protect yourself from the fire. Allah tells them that they hadnt been able to do it ever and they wont be able to do it ever. In the beginning of surah Allah told the believers to have taqwa of Allah and now Allah is saying to the disbelievers to have taqwa from fire. This is out of sarcasm:How are you going to protect yourself from the fire?this sarcasm is appropriate because those people used to mock Allah and the Quran

-Allah goes on to say that the fire is fueled by people and stones:people includes the disbelievers and stone refers to the gods/idols they used to worship other than Allah, so they will be burned along with their stone-idols,or refers to their hearts which had turned into stone, OR it also means that the lava which consists of stone has extreme intensity of its flame.

Kafir comes from kafara which means to bury the seed in the ground and its also been used for a farmer because he plants a seed. It is used to show that the kafir had the seed of imaan inside him when he came to the dunya but he buried that light and didnt let the light of the revelation penetrate it and he buried the truth.

2:25

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Sahih International

And give good tidings to those who believe and do righteous deeds that they will have gardens [in Paradise] beneath which rivers flow. Whenever they are provided with a provision of fruit therefrom, they will say, "This is what we were provided with before." And it is given to them in likeness. And they will have therein purified spouses, and they will abide therein eternally.

The Quran was being revealed through the messenger SAWW so denial of Quran included denial of the Messenger, so now the messenger is told to congratulate those who believe and acted righteously. This is the first direct command given to the Prophet SAWW in the order of the Quran, so it is a sign for us to begin dawah with good news. Prophet SAWW never overburdened people whenever they asked him questions but he always dealt with every sahaba individually according to their nature and advised them regarding their character. People are always at different levels and we need to deal with them appropriately, not everyone will go all out in deen and strive to be the best, some people are average and we need to guide them accordingly.

Allazeena aamino includes those who have strong faith and those who have weak faith and even the hypocrites who claim to believe, but the congratulation here is only to those who believe AND do good deeds.

Especially and only for them there are multiple gardens underneath which rivers flow. Think about it..picture it..even in this modern age, the highest price of real estate is the land which is at an elevated location..especially with a view of the sea..so Allah is trying to offer us what appeals most to us..greenery is another thing that really appeals to us..these desires are innate within us..most people want to buy a house when they grow up..they dont like to live at rent..they want stability in life, to be settled..Allah put these desires within us so that we could learn to long for paradise..Allah is giving us permanent real estate custom-made for us,without any cost. Allah gives us multiple gardens and all of them are different from one another and extremely beautiful.

Allah is talking to sahaba who have left their homes for islam,who are bankrupt, and they are in the middle of the desert, so Allah is saying that I will give you homes and gardens and rivers..with beautiful water..they will be given a lot of fruits..they will be given the fruits again and again..and they will not complain..they will be excited like a child when you give him his favourite dessert and will say hey thats my favourite fruit, i had it yesterday, they cant wait to have it again..and it doesnt end at that, when they taste it they will find it even tastier than yesterday..each time it tastes better. This doesnt even happen in the best restaurants in the dunya. We will never get bored of it.

They will have purified spouses. That shows that if we get a good spouse in the dunya,it will be a glimpse of jannah,a gift from Allah..they will reside in there forever. Zauj is used for both the husband and the wife. Zauj refers to perfectly matched counterparts e.g. sun and moon are zaujain, day and night are zaujain, life and afterlife are zaujain, body and rooh are zaujain, males and females are zaujain. Everybody in jannah will have at least one wonderful spouse.  Purified spouses means that the spouses are purified inside out and perfected for you. We will never get bored of our spouses unlike in this world and the relationship will always be fresh and beautiful and new for people, just like the fruits will taste beautiful every time.
Azwaaj does not only refer to spouses but also refers to companions and friends so it means that we will have a lot of wonderful friends to hang out with and they will all be purified and best in character.