Time, Love, Praise and Encouragement in Relationships

I’m not gonna be speaking about some very high ideals. I’m gonna talking about some very basic things. That I personally feel, actually I’m really convinced, are plaguing all families, muslim or non, and muslim  are no exception to the problems of family in the modern times. So the problems that non muslims are facing in their family, we’re not too far behind. And to assume that we are somehow immune of the problems of the modern world, is a deception.

 People get an education nowadays to get a good carrier, that’s probably the number one reason you’re going to school, or you’re sending your children to school or plan to send your children to school, that eventually they will have a good way of making money for themselves, a carrier, a meaningful carrier. The second reason why people pursue an education is to get credential. It’s kind of a show of respect, that I went to college, I graduated, I have a degree. It’s kind of a show of unrespectable member of society. When you’re not able to finish your high school, or diploma, or go to college or whatever else, it’s almost a disgrace in most of the society. Especially in the society where the parent did not have such an opportunity, like they were farmers, or taxi drivers or whatever else. They dream that their child when he grows up or she grows up, they will definitely get an education. So the 2 fundamental reasons for which people pursue an education nowadays, is either to get a carrier, or to gain some respect in society. These are the 2 reasons that are shared by all people. This is not a muslim thing, this is across the world. Go on and ask somebody why do they pursue an education in Australia, and china or in Pakistan and they will tell you the same thing.

But what I wanted to add to this discussion and what this had to do with family and relationship is that we’re living in strange times, where you can have a Phd in biochemistry and you can have a doctor in nuclear physics or history or political science..and the guy does not know how to be a good husband! The guy has no clue how to be a neighbor. He has no idea how to be a good son. Or a good father for that matter. He has no clue. I would consider it a basic education. To be a decent son, a decent father, a decent neighbor, basically a decent human being, a decent husband. These are the basic things. But people have pursued and we’ve defined for ourselves education and other things and when it comes to the very basic of being a decent member of society and a decent member of your family, we are almost completely ignorant. 

And a lot of times people that are completely ignorant may even be the extremely knowledgeable in religion. This is the crazy part. The religion that came to make you a decent person, the religion that came to make you respectable human being, that gives you your dignity back, people have knowledge of this religion, they’re attending courses, seminars, listening to speeches, memorizing surahs, studying tafseer, and yet they don't know how to talk to their wife or talk to their mother. They don't know how to carry a conversation on the phone. They lose their temper all too easily. subhanAllah, it’s incredible. It’s really ironic. So what I wanted to focus on are some very basic things. 

Subhanallah, it’s a gift from Allah to me, I’m grateful, eternally grateful, that I have had the opportunity to see over a hundred and fifty muslim comunitties all over the US. Masjid to masjid to masjid. Community to community to community. And you know what I see? I see the same thing. I see the same exact mistake being repeated by us, over and over and over again. And you know who comes to me all the time and says “Can you talk to my children?” Parents of teenagers. Parents of teenagers. “You know, my son, he just doesn’t listen to me anymore. Can you talk to him?” Like I have some prescription drug that I carry with me. Or you what it is, the son comes over and I’m gonna be like “fuuhh…” and all of sudden he’ll be this amazing kid. “But if you just talk to him…” “No no no..what if YOU talk to him…and where were you when there were times to talk to him?” Let me tell you something about, I’m gonna talk about parents first, a little bit, then I’ll talk about couple and that’s the only time we have. Two things. To kind of fundamentals relationships, your relationship with your children and your relationship with your spouse. So we’ll talk about some very basic things in regards to both.

When your children are little, when they little, when they were 5/6/7/2/3/4, you know what the most important thing for them is? I have 5 of those, I could tell you. The most important thing for them is your approval. They wanna make you proud, man. They wanna show you what they did.

I’ll be on an important work phone call, and my son, my 2 years old son would come over, “Aba! Aba! Aba!” Like ok, “Hold on” “What is it?” “Ehe…” (laughs) nothing… I’ll go back on the phone and he’ll start calling me again I’ll be like “Ok ok ok..what is it?” “I will show you something.” “What do you want to show me?” (jump in the place) That is it! (Laughs) but you know what I’m supposed to do? “Oh my God! That’s awesome!! Do it again!!..” “I’ll call you back”  (Laughs). You’re supposed to appreciate what children do, they live for that. They desire that more than anything else. I have 3 girls, and you know different between girls and boys? Boy can’t sit still and Girls can’t stop this. Right? So I pick my girls up from school, one from first grade and one from 3^rd grade, I pick them up from school, it’s a 25 minutes ride back home and what are they doing the whole way? “You know what happen today in class? We colored the dinosaurs and we did this and that and I was coloring with purple but then I decided to put in some green…” And they’re going on and on and on and they cannot help themselves. And they cannot stop and I have to pay attention and listen. I have to listen and say “ooh what about blue?” “No I did only a little bit blue.” Right? I have to pay attention. And you know why I’m saying all of this?

  Just one more story on the side, just to wake you up a little.  I share this story all the time. My eldest daughter, Husna, when she was younger she was really into finger painting. Just dip her hands and paint and just make a big all mess. And she brings this big cardboard to me and it’s a big blob of blue, I don’t see anything. And she says, “Aba! Look what I made!” and I’m sit in there and going “That’s awesome! A mountain!” and she says, “No, it’s mama!”  and I was like “ooh..Don’t tell mama.” But the point I’m trying to make is they live for your approval. They live for it.

 But those of you that have children that are teenagers, do they get in the car when you pick them up from school and they can’t stop telling you what happened, does that happen? “Oh you know what happened in the school today, my teacher said this and that and the other and I got an A on my paper..” Nope, they’re quiet. And you’re trying to ask “How was you day?” “It was okay.” “So what you do?” “Something” “Where you going today?” “Somewhere”. They don’t talk. Getting them to talk is like interrogation at a police station. And they’re not saying anything to you. And while you’re trying to ask them question, they’re texting their friends, “My Dad is asking too many questions today. I don’t know what’s up. Did you tell him something?” what I’m trying to get at is very simple. At a younger age, your children crave your attention. And when they got older, you will crave their attention. But if you don’t give them attention when they they’re tiny, when they come to you with their toys and you say, “Go to your room! I’m watching the news!” “The game is on, could you take him, please?” “Come on, I had a long day at work. I don’t want to deal with this right now.” “I have friends over, it’s a embarrassing, go to sleep! Go get out of here.” When you have this attitude towards your children, like they’re an obstacle in your path, your job was at work, when you come home you’re on vacation..

No buddy! Your job began when you came home. That’s your job. What you did over there just to fulfill your real job at home. Be a father! I’m talking to the man here. Be a father, spend time with your children. They’re not just there so you put them up in school, and you come home from work and just wanna go to sleep, you don’t wanna bother with anybody, you don’t wanna talk to them, and actually the easiest way to not talk to them is to get them an ipod touch and iphone, and get them a computer, a laptop in their own room with high speed internet so you don’t even have to look at their face. They could just be on their room all day, facebook-ing, finding themselves a new set of parents online.

Seriously.. Be a father! Be a mother! Don’t replace your motherhood and your fatherhood with these things because if you do, when they become independent, you know what happens to most parents? To most of you, your children, they only see you as a bunch of elders walking around. And the only time they come and talk to you, “Dad, can I have 5 bucks?” Actually nobody asks for 5 bucks anymore, right? It’s 20’s nowadays? And I know youth, they haven’t seen money that small, they don’t know 5’s.  “Can I have 20 dollars?” “Can I go to the mall?” “Can you drop me off?” “Can I go over my friend’s house?” Can I do this, can I do that, can I do the other..when they want something, they come to you. Otherwise, you don’t see them. And when they got to certain age, when they are old enough to make they own a little bit of money, guess what? You’re not gonna see them at all. ‘Cause your cash register is no longer relevant. That’s no longer relevant. 

If this is a relationship you are setting yourself up for, you’re headed for destruction. We gotta change this now. And the way to change it, and it’s gonna be hard for a lot of you to implement this, but we have to be friends with our children. We have to be their best friends. They should enjoy hanging out with us the most, the parents. The parent should not be a nuisance. The parent should be a joy to children. They should be a joy to them.

And being a good parent doesn't mean you get them toys, and you got them nice things and you nice clothes. That’s all there, that’s fine and dandy. But the most important thing, you give them right now, is your time. Especially in this society where so many things are pulling away at their time. And the thing you’re not able to give them, you can give them their own room, you can give them money, you can give them allowance, you can give them cloths, but you don't give them time. And when you don’t give them time, they separate themselves mentally from you. They cut themselves off. They learn to become independent in an early age. And independent in this society really means alienated. It doesn’t mean just independent.

This is a serious matter on how to raise our children. We have to openly communicate with them. And that’s the other thing. And part of the communication, only one more thing about parent before I go to marriage, just one more basic thing about parenting in this society. You know there’s certain things in islam that are absolutely unacceptable. They’re taboo, they’re forbidden, they’re haram, they’re evil…But our children see it everyday. They see this stuff everyday. You can’t even avoid it. They’re looking out their window and they see a billboard. You know.. They just watching cartoon and an ad comes on. they see this stuff. And when you put, most of you, put them in school, and I don’t even say an Islamic school are safe, because most kids in the Islamic school are watching the same show the kids at the public school are watching. And they’re talking about it at the school too. Let’s face a reality for a moment. They are exposed to a lot. They really are. So the first time your daughter comes home and start to talking about some, you know, Disney boy, that they’re pushing on the media, or some girl that sing a lot of songs and these are the filthy role models. Filthy. They are worse than the animals. I’d rather, my children watch like puppet animals than watch this people. ‘Cause they behave worse than animal, Wallahi. This the “Hannah Montana of the world”,  are the filth of the planet. They really are. And I have seen this. Little girl, muslim girl with a hijab on, going to Islamic school with a Hannah Montanah bookbag. What is wrong with you, parents? What happen to you? This is unacceptable.

But once your children brings something like that up, they say something like that. They say something that completely unacceptable for you. What happens to most of the parents? “This is wrong! You don’t talk about this thing. Astagifirullah! Say Astagfirullah!” “ Fine, I guess you don’t want to talk about it. I’ll just talk to my friends about it then.” And you know what you just did? You just basically told them, if you have something of this nature, the controversial nature, don’t talk to me about it, but does that mean they won’t talk about it at all? They will talk to someone, and who it is gonna be? Their friends. Most of the time, their non muslim friends. From whom they will get non muslim kinds of advice. You, close the door to communication. And me, being from the back ground I am, my ancient history is afghan, so I have a hot temper. So my daughter came home one day, pre-school, my daughter was in pre-school. But we have this, we are very possessive to our daughters, you know.  So she goes and says “You know, Ahmad was so funny in class today” I was like, “Who’s Ahmad?!?” And my wife says to me, “Calm down, let me talk to her. You go away, you can’t handle this.” And she talks to her..”It was nothing, he was just fell off the chair, she was thinking it was funny, it’s very innocent.” But if she hears, “My Dad really get upset when he hear the name Ahmad  or whatever, so I better not bring it up. I better not tell my parents what happen at school then I’ve shut the door of communication. I’ve made that mistake. And a lot of parents made that mistake and they are paying the price now and listening to this and shedding tears cause they remembering the mistake they made. They really are.

But lets switch gear, quickly insha Allahu ta’ala. And talk a little bit about marriage; the other fundamental, the core component of the healthy society. We cannot talk about dawah, we cannot talk about establishing a harmony in Islamic society until we have the harmony inside the household. But our households are the places of the chaos. How are we talking about the higher ideals in dakwah when our homes are broken? Husband and wife are arguing every day. Sarcasm inside the house. Nasty commentary towards each other. “You know you not really that pretty” “Oh you’re no Yusuf AS yourself. You don't see me cutting my hands.” Unnecessary sarcasm. Hurtful commentary towards each other. Hurtful words toward each other. And you know, a lot of times you know exactly what’s gonna annoy your wife. And you do it anyway. And a lot of times the woman they know exactly what’s gonna get under his skin. And they’ll say it anyway.  Just to see what happens. Right?

 And who’s watching all of this? While you’re doing this to each other? These word games you play with each other and this battle inside the house, who’s watching, who’s the real victim? The children. The children are learning this behavior. What kind of parents are they gonna be when they grow up? There’s no sense of forgiveness inside the marriage. you know, the muslim men, a lot of you who work in a public sphere, in a corporate or whatever else, you’ll go to work, your secretary highly inappropriately dressed, just smiling at you “How is it going, Mohammed? How was your day?” and you’re like, “It was pretty good, you know..” You come home, the wife at the house “I don’t wanna talk about it I had a long day at work.” This is what we’re doing inside our homes. Ruining our own relationship with our spouses. When was the last time, let me ask the brothers, I’m not at the position to speak on behalf of the sisters cause I’m not one. They should be getting advice from sisters. But let me talk to you and get on your case for a minute, on my own. When was the last time you got her a gift, Man? When was the last time you took her out the bazaar over there, and she picks up, and you’re like “No no no put that back” When was the last time you got here\ something? Without her asking? When was the last time you hang out with her? Just took her out for ice cream for no reason. They don’t ask for much, they also just ask for your time. They only ask for your time.

Wallahi there are sisters who complains to me and I couldn’t believe my ears. They complain to me that they haven’t seen their husband forever because when they come home, they sit on the computer and just youtube away the whole night. And they haven’t seen they’re crying. It’s like we’re not even married anymore. Get off of the computer, man! You have a wife, you have a children to deal with. That’s your priority. What are you sitting there listening to Islamic lecture, what islam is that?  We have to be courteous to our family. We have to extend, we have to be the best to them. The messenger SAW says “Khairukum li ahlihi. Wa anna khairumminkum li ahlihi”. The best of you are the one who’s best to their family. Who can actually claimed ‘I’m my best self to the family”? You guys are so much nicer to your friends! So much nicer to your coworkers! So much more courteous to the police officer who pulls you over. But you cannot extend that kind of courtesy to your mother, you can’t talk to her for 10 extra minutes, the moment she starts getting a little annoying and starts telling you all the thing you don’t do right, you say “I gotta go, I got another phone call. Can’t talk right now.” Listen to her! Sit there and listen to her! This is what you’re supposed to do. That’s your job. She didn’t do that with you “I can’t hear your crying right now, go on to the other room, shut it.” You know? “Deal with it yourself”. Your mother carried you, she took care of you.

We have to be the best to our spouses, we have to be the best to our parents. These are the fundamentals in the relationship. And by the way all the relationship get fixed if this two are fixed. And these two, the only way they’ll be fixed, if the relationship with Allah is fixed. So if you have marriage problems and parental problems, you know what the real problem is? Taqwa and Iman. You’re not grateful enough. Your spouses are the gift from Allah to you. And to be ungrateful to a gift is to be ungrateful to Allah SWT. Your parents are the gift of Allah to you. So if you don’t have a good relationship with them, who are you actually being ungrateful to? Think about that! SubhanAllah!

I urge you, seriously, start having dinner with the family. Don’t eat by yourself. Don’t eat at the separate time, make a time. I’m not demanding too much from you at all. Seriously make small commitments. Set a time in the day where the whole family gets together and prays together. And it’s a set time. Just like there’s a set time for the TV show, there’s a set time for homework, and the set time for you to get back from the work, there’s a set time to pray maghrib together. There’s a set time to pray Isha. Just one pray at least. You get together with the family and you pray together. That, in it of itself is a huge, it’s enormous. You can at least to this.  This much. Just start with this. Inside the house. And you’ll begin to see a better relationship with your wife and your children.

The final comment I wanted to make for you insha Allahu ta’ala, is about balance. And this is a long discussion I’ll open it but I’ll leave you to think about it. One time the messenger SAW was asked about ‘what islam is’. ‘What is this deen’. So he has to give a brief answer. He has to sum up the entire religion in very brief language. And he chose this ayat from suratun nisa. (qs.4:58) There’s one ayat, which summarizes the entire deen. And what ayat is this?  “Inna Allaha ya/murukum an tu-addooal-amanati ila ahliha..” 
It is no doubt that Allah who commands you to fulfill the rights of people, the trust that have been given to you to give them back in full, to those who deserve them.

 People have a right over you, people are having trusted you for something and you should fulfill it completely, that is what Allah commands you.
 “…wa-itha hakamtumbayna annasi an tahkumoo bilAAadl” And whenever you make decision between people, make those decisions with justice. 

Make them with justice. And I won’t even go through the rest of the ayat, let me tell you something. Especially to the men, those who are responsible, the shepherd of the household. You are pulled in a different directions. The deen is pulling you, your job is pulling you, your wife is pulling you, your children are pulling you, your parents are pulling you. You have all these obligations to all these different things. And sometimes your mother asks you to do something, which will be a violation of your wife’s rights. And your wife will ask you to do something that will be a violation of your mother’s rights. And there’s a battle going on. And who’s stuck in the middle? Who’s taking the beating? On one phone call with wife, the other with the mother, who’s in the middle? The husband. And a lot of times, what ends up happening is either he’s sides this way or he’s sides that way. What should we have to be? We have to be just (adil). We have to be the nicest, the kindest to our parents but we cannot lose the side of justice. You don’t have the right to violate the rights of your wife. Allah didn’t give you that right. No, you cannot fulfill somebody else’s obligation at the expense of somebody else’s. You can’t do that. Your children have a right over you. Nothing can take that away. You’ll be answerable to Allah for not fulfilling the rights of your children. You have  obligations to your spouse, you have an obligations to your parent. And each of them are separate. Don’t confuse them with each other. You have a tough job! You sign up for it! You’re the one who want to get married! You signed up for it already. You better learn to deal with it! This is the balance you have to establish. And Wallahi IF you don’t establish balance in your house, there will be chaos. There will be fighting all the time. There will be fighting between in laws, and children, and husband and wife and all kind of craziness in your home, because you haven’t learn how to balance yet. You haven’t learned how to fulfill your obligation yet.

And the role of the spouses, the wife is to help their husband find the balance. Not just to fulfill their agenda because they will answerable to Allah as well. They’re supposed to support their husband and help them. Stop being sarcastic towards each other. Stop complaining about each other, just do your part! Don’t expect from your wife, don’t expect from your husband, just expect from Allah! Just do what you’re supposed to do! What you deserve, will come from Allah, it will not come from your spouse. Get over it! Stop whining and stop complaining! The moment you start complaining, you are already not taking in to consideration all the good things Allah has given you.

And this is what I conclude with. How many things Allah has given us that we should be grateful for? How many things has Allah given us that we should be grateful for? We can’t count.  We can’t even count one ni’mat. If you were try to count one ni’mat of Allah, one blessing of Allah, you would not be able to encompass it. Allah’s favors are countless upon us. So if you find the time to complain, that means you didn’t have enough time to thank Allah for so many things, that you have enough times to complain about things. This is the height of ingratitude, when someone’s start to complaining. Quit complaining. If you have problems, learn to be grateful to Allah first and have sabr. The key to sabr is to being grateful to Allah. And if you don’t have patience, it means you ‘re not grateful enough. Really, if you don’t have patience, the secret is, you’re not grateful to Allah enough. 

You open up the fridge, there are 10 different kind of soda, you say, “Where is the orange juice?” “God! I told you to get it!” you’re not grateful enough to what you have in front of you. We have to learn to be grateful. We have to teach our children gratitude, we have to teach them to be grateful for what Allah has given to them. We have to make them children that are used to giving, not getting. We’re making them consumers! We’re making them zombies, “Get me this, get me that, get me this, get me that!” If they’re like this one them children, what are they gonna be like when they are adults? How is it a shock then that they’re gonna be fighting over the inheritance when they get older? You take them to “Toy’s R us” yourself so they can cry about over the 2 millions worth of merchandise that you still left behind after you left the store. We’re doing that to our own children. These are not high and the holy things, these are basics that form the foundation of healthy relationship. Let’s educate each other about them. Let’s make a serious commitment to raise the right kind of family. Let’s fix ourselves. Let’s spend time with our family together. Let’s make that our first priority. Wallahi if the family is good, the community is okay. And all of the problems you see in the community, you know, they’re not the community problems. They start with the family problems. Let’s fix those first.

May Allah SWT make us of those who are able to save themselves and their family from the hellfire

May Allah SWT make us of those who are able to be patient, the most patient with their own family, be the most merciful to their own family, the most forgiving to their own family, and

May Allah SWT make us of those who are able to reconnect the bonds that have been cut because of the fighting, the disputes, the arguments…May we become those who make the call back and says “You know what? No more silence. I’m gonna call my dad back. So what if we had a fight six months ago? I’ll call him back today after this conference. At least that’s one promise I make to Allah, I will reconnect that relationship.” “I will go apologize to my wife for what I said.” “I’ll go apologize to my husband for what I did.” “I will fix my self now because this is what I owe to Allah SWT”

May Allah make us of those people, may Allah SWT forgive our shortcomings.

Qur'an for Young Adults Day 17,18,19 - Surah Israa 23-40

17:23

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Sahih International

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.

17:24

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Sahih International

And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."

17:25

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Sahih International

Your Lord is most knowing of what is within yourselves. If you should be righteous [in intention] - then indeed He is ever, to the often returning [to Him], Forgiving.

17:26

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Sahih International

And give the relative his right, and [also] the poor and the traveler, and do not spend wastefully.

17:27

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Sahih International

Indeed, the wasteful are brothers of the devils, and ever has Satan been to his Lord ungrateful.

17:28

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Sahih International

And if you [must] turn away from the needy awaiting mercy from your Lord which you expect, then speak to them a gentle word.

17:29

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Sahih International

And do not make your hand [as] chained to your neck or extend it completely and [thereby] become blamed and insolvent.

17:30

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Sahih International

Indeed, your Lord extends provision for whom He wills and restricts [it]. Indeed He is ever, concerning His servants, Acquainted and Seeing.

17:31

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Sahih International

And do not kill your children for fear of poverty. We provide for them and for you. Indeed, their killing is ever a great sin.

17:32

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Sahih International

And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.

17:33

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Sahih International

And do not kill the soul which Allah has forbidden, except by right. And whoever is killed unjustly - We have given his heir authority, but let him not exceed limits in [the matter of] taking life. Indeed, he has been supported [by the law].

17:34

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Sahih International

And do not approach the property of an orphan, except in the way that is best, until he reaches maturity. And fulfill [every] commitment. Indeed, the commitment is ever [that about which one will be] questioned.

17:35

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Sahih International

And give full measure when you measure, and weigh with an even balance. That is the best [way] and best in result.

17:36

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Sahih International

And do not pursue that of which you have no knowledge. Indeed, the hearing, the sight and the heart - about all those [one] will be questioned.

17:37

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Sahih International

And do not walk upon the earth exultantly. Indeed, you will never tear the earth [apart], and you will never reach the mountains in height.

17:38

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Sahih International

All that - its evil is ever, in the sight of your Lord, detested.

17:39

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Sahih International

That is from what your Lord has revealed to you, [O Muhammad], of wisdom. And, [O mankind], do not make [as equal] with Allah another deity, lest you be thrown into Hell, blamed and banished.

17:40

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Sahih International

Then, has your Lord chosen you for [having] sons and taken from among the angels daughters? Indeed, you say a grave saying.

 These verses can be called the Quranic version of the ten commandments.
Immediately after Allah mentions shirk, he mentions the rights of parents. In just one word. One word commands have a lot of impact and mean business e.g. SILENCE, QUIET. They have big impact. We need to be kind to parents especially in old age when they often become more irritable. That's when they need more attention and we need to be patient with them. Value their duas. Earn their duas. Our mothers almost died giving birth to us but we cannot even respond to her call/ We don't make our parents feel important although we are the most important thing to them. They carry that pain daily that they are worthless for their children and not worth their time.

Uff is an Arabic word for the sign of frustration. Uff is not even a word. It is an expression e.g. saying something under your breath, the faces you make, the rolling of your eyes. Don't you dare show even a sign of frustration. Speak in a noble, gentle, respectful tone and manner. Go out of the way and be extra nice to them. Apologize for being ungrateful, for talking back, for our disobedience. Lower the wings of powerlessness before them. Humans are being compared to birds, we have the power to raise our wings and show what we are made of and not submit to them. But we lower our wings and don't talk back and we submit to them. The older parents become, the more they act like children. We need to be understanding. You have the power to respond but you don't.
Lowering wings also means to protect them just like a bird protects their nest.

We do this out of love and care(Rahmah).
Allah created human beings with the ability to show love and care. Human beings have the capacity to care for others. This is an innate part of being human.
The second meaning is to show love and care to them because our parents showed love and care to us all our lives. It is reciprocal,
The third meaning has to do with our relationship with Allah. If you want love care and mercy of Allah then you need to show it to your parents.
My gardeners were my parents. A seed can do nothing on its own. It needs to be planted,watered,nourished,taken care of etc. So Allah, have mercy on them as they had mercy on me.

Your Lord knows better what is within yourselves. We have a habit of defending ourselves mentally and verbally and we rationalize and justify our actions by thinking that what we are doing is good enough. This makes us inflexible so we don't take advice and we think we are already doing good enough. Remember, you are never doing enough because there is no limit to how much effort you need to make in Allah's path. We often justify ourselves based on the compliments other people give us. We need to be honest. Learn to admit you are wrong. Allah is exceedingly merciful and forgiving for those who are awwabeen. But we need to mean it when we apologize. Sorry means we make an effort not to do it again. You need to bring a serious change in yourselves. It can happen again by mistake but you should not plan on doing the sin again.
True athletes never give up on themselves when they lose. But there are some people who listen too much to what other people say about them. You shouldn't let people's compliments or insults affect you.

Give the relative/everybody close to you, their right. We often forget relatives and give to fundraisers instead. Miskeen is someone who is stuck in a situation and does not have the ability to get out of it. Some people cannot handle money so you can help them by investing for them in the right place. SO be careful while giving sadaqah. Help the son of the road, the traveller. We need to be more welcoming as hosts.

Don't mindlessly spend all over the place. Israaf is when you need something but you go overboard and take more than you need. Tabzeer is when you spend on something you don't even need. You just spend mindlessly and aimlessly. Rich people set high standards and the poor try to follow them and spend beyond their income. It sets the wrong trend in society.

Sometimes it might happen that somebody is really needy and they suppress their dignity and ask you directly for a favour, and you are not in a position to help them. Then, you must turn them away very softly and not in a way that might hurt them.
Some people are so cheap with money that it kills them to reach their pockets and spend. Don't have your hands chained to their necks. Some people, on the other hand, have their hands spread open so they spend unnecessarily even on those things that are not needed. Everything comes in their way and they don't think before spending.

Do not kill children out of fear of poverty, before birth or after. Don't go near zina(illegitimate relationships). The Quran doesn't say don't do zina. Zina is often mentioned with qatl so that shows the magnitude of this sin. Imagine this sin being in the middle of a circle, and there is a gravitational pull around it which is invisible, and if you get too close to it then you will be sucked in . Since it is invisible, you can never tell where this gravitational field begins, and by the time you realize the pull, it is probably too hard to resist the force and you get pulled into sin. That is why Allah tells us to not even go near it. The society of Makkah was immersed in this sin but the Qur'an transformed them into a society full of haya. We usually start illicit relationships through innocent gestures and actions. We try to draw the opposite sex and rope them in, bit by bit. We don't realize what we are getting into and we just act upon the feelings we feel. In Islam, when men marry women, they bring them into their fort. They become Muhsin and they protect the women in every way.

Another negative of getting into these relations is that we often get scarred by these relationships and then we are unable to give anything to real relationships. We become incapable of giving where its needed. We get into relationships just to fulfill our lust and the more relationships we get into, the more animal we become. If we really think someone is suitable as a match for us then we should just tell our parents instead of doing anything wrong. In the story of Musa AS, the daughter expressed that Musa AS was a good man so her father should hire him, and her father got the hint and asked Musa AS to marry her.

Do not kill anyone unjustly, unless it is your right(by law,authority etc.). Don't go overboard even when taking Qisas. Do not take from the wealth of orphans. People often take care of orphans but they use their wealth often but they need to know that they are only custodians and they can only spend ON the orphan. Give their money to them when they develop a sense of responsibility.

Fulfill every commitment. Everything you say, pledge,sign, and commit to, every law, your job, your duties, every pact, you HAVE to follow it. We are answerable to Allah for EVERYTHING. Even if nobody can see you cheating, Allah can. And when you give people weight, give them justly. We often exaggerate and give the wrong information while buying and selling. When we are dishonest, we get short term benefits but people will run away from that businessman eventually. And if you are honest, then people will come to you just because of your reputation and you may earn less per person but you will have many more customers. We should be honest even if it goes against our own relatives.

Do not pursue that about which you have no knowledge. We have a habit of gossiping and spreading rumours about other peoples lives. We don't even try to confirm anything. We too easily give in to conspiracy theories, gossips, rumours and superstitions. Even in deen, we follow things without authenticating them. We need to develop an educated ummah who has basic knowledge of deen, so that we can ask intelligent questions from scholars. We need to know the difference between scholars and daaes.

Qalb comes for taqallub which means to change. Heart is constantly changing physically and emotionally and spiritually. Fuad is used for heart in strange situations. Fuad means something that is being roasted. Sometimes our heart becomes really excited so it is like it's on fire. It happenes whenever we experience extremes of emotions. Prophet SAWW job of doing dawah was also overwhelming and needed a lot of motivation. We run out of steam too, often we start with a lot of motivation but then we burn out. How do we maintain that? Keep turning back to Allah through prayer so that you remain in the state of fuaad and enthusiasm constantly and you never burn out, The Prophet SAWW was given Quran little by little so that he never lost the enthusiasm. This is one of his miracles because the Quran was revealed directly on his heart.

 We often become very overwhelmed by our emotions.We snap when we are angry or do things we shouldn't be doing or say things we shouldn't be saying. And we often justify this negative state of fuad and we think we are not responsible for whatever we do in those extreme states. Allah says that He will ask about the state of fuaad. We need to watch out.

Allah used the word oolaaiyka for hearing,sight and hearts which are things and NOT people. This shows that on judgement day these things will be given the power to speak and testify.

Do not work on Earth with Marra(arrogance). It is about the attitude,body language and how you carry yourself. Don't look down on others. Don't be weak and powerless either. Be firm. All of these are detested evils in Allah's sight. Do not make anyone equal with Allah. Do not worship your own nafs or your desires or any other worldly idol, basically don't give anyone preference over Allah.

People used to bury daughters alive in those dark times and used to consider them a source of shame and inferior. They used to shun them or disown them or kill them. The Prophet SAWW raised the status of women so much that  anybody who took care of them would enter into Jannah! Daughters became a ticket to Jannah. Allah basically says to the pagans that they do not prefer daughters for themselves so why do they associate them with Allah? Why are their preferences different? It shows the attitude that the jews had developed. They wanted the best for themselves and only liked giving the leftovers to God. Their lives were dedicated to their ownselves and they only gave the bare minimum to Allah. We do the same now in our ibadah. We only do the bare minimum and plan our lives around our worldly obligations. We are supposed to do everything for the sake of Allah and go out of the way. We should identify our talents and use them for the sake of deen InshaaAllah. If you make your objective to serve deen, then Allah will give you dunya like nothing. The dunya will come at your feet. If we do what Allah wants, then Allah gives us what we want.

QUR'AN for Young Adults (Surah Asr) - Nouman Ali khan - Ramadan 2014 Day 1

A few passages/Surahs form the foundation of the Qur'an and the pillars on which the building rests..If we understand these, it will help us understand everything else as it will give us a perspective.

Quran is not arranged according to subject, neither do Surahs deal with a single subject

Surah comes from the word Suwar or Saura which means the outer walls of an ancient city, Ancient cities used to have giant walls which people could never scale. There were many different kinds of buildings and streets and neighbourhoods in the city,but everything was complementing one another and everything was supporting everything and interacting e.g. residential areas,commercial areas,recreation spots etc. ..And when you leave one city you can immediately tell that its a different city now and its different. So every city is unique in its identity.

Similarly a Surah is a boundary wall that has a bunch of topics which all interact with one another.

Sometimes different Surahs have some common themes. Just like sometimes you go to a new city and it reminds you of something you had seen in a previous city, so they have some common elements.

-This course covers the summary of the entire Quran and covers all the main themes

-It answers what is the least expected of me by Allah(minimum passing criteria)

There are places in Quran where Allah tells us how to get an A, but here we will discuss the basic minimum criteria, some of us just care about passing and don't want extra credit,so we really need to know the basics

-Some scholars believed that Surah Asr is the summary of the entire Qur'an

SURAH ASR

103:1

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Sahih International

By time,

103:2

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Sahih International

Indeed, mankind is in loss,

103:3

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Sahih International

Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

Every human being is in loss(failing) except those who do the following things:

Believe

Do good deeds

Counsel each other truthfully

Counsel each other patiently

How is this a summary of the Qur'an? because all passages in the Qur'an talk about one or all of these things

This Surah has 3 ayahs yet it is only one sentence in continuity

I swear by time! Why does Allah swear by things?we swear when we are not being believed or when we want to reinforce our point, or when we are angry, or when we are in court to testify
There were 2 additional reasons used by Arabs at that time:
-They swore to grab people's attention(e.g. A person wants to grab peoples attention in the marketplace, he suddenly swears by the morning to grab ppls attention, it meant that something very serious was going to happen in morning, all sorts of thoughts would cross peoples mind when they swore)
-Allah also swears in the Qur'an in order to give an evidence or make a witness

So Allah could be possibly angry here as He swears by time that everyone is in loss or He is testifying,or He is not being believed,or He is grabbing our attention to  time by swearing to time,or He will take whatever he swears by and He will bring it forward as a witness->time itself is a witness that man is in loss

Imagine time is like an old man who has been through everything and seen everything and similarly time has been watching over and over again how we have wasted it and been in loss generation after generation

Youth are under the delusion that they have their whole life ahead of them, who has got that guarantee? nobody knows how long they are going to be around, which means we all need to have a sense of urgency, look at the graveyards and you will see so many people died young

Time is the ultimate proof and evidence that we are in loss. A true loss is the one after which we cannot regain that thing. We can lose a game and win again or we can lose money and gain it back or we can lose some possession and gain it back but we can never get back time even if we have all the wealth in the world

Even if you are a billionaire, when you will be old and will lose your faculties none of what you own will matter, it will be of no use if you cant see or hear or walk or enjoy them

Inna = no doubt about it

Allah did not say that nations are in loss, Allah said that humans i.e. every individual is in loss so that you think of yourself when you read this ayah

Allah says at another place in the Qur'an, when we were unborn, our mothers belly surrounded us,when we were born we were wrapped with a towel, when we are children we are wrapped by our parents, we are wrapped by our clothes , our homes, etc. On the day of judgement everything will be peeled off,everything that wrapped us, even our body wraps our soul and it will also be separated

My teacher once asked me, where are you? I was confused. I pointed to my chest, I pointed to my brain,but he said point to your self, he meant ROOH, because this body will die and will be lowered in the grave,but the rooh will live

In reality, we are ALONE. We show our true self only when we are alone. Being with anyone else modifies our behavior and conduct. We need to internalize that we are in loss.

Imagine we are drowning. The first thing we need to do is to wake up. If we dont wake up and accept reality we will die. The next thing we will do is that we will take action, even if we dont know how to swim, we will try to take action. Then you see that your family and loved ones are also drowning. So now you try to wake them up to reality as well. When one of you is pulled down the other one can pull him up so you can buck each other up. And if you lose hope or are going to fail, you counsel each other to hold on and be patient as theres just a little more left.
THIS is realizing and believing you are in loss,doing amal,counselling each other truthfully and counselling with patience

There are 3 words used in Qur'an to denote loss. Allah chose KHUSR which shows the least amount of loss. So Allah didn't say that everybody is in terrible loss(Khusraan) or the loss that keeps increasing(Khusaar)

>What is Qur'an's definition of success and failure?
If somebody lives in a cardboard box,we think he is a failure.
If he lives in a huge mansion, we think he is a great success

In Qur'an, Allah talks about Ibrahim AS that he got kicked out of his house and was homeless, but he was the ultimate success
Our messenger S.A.W.W was also homeless for some years and was deported from his country but he is the greatest success humanity has ever seen
Firaun had the biggest and most elaborate house ever
Qaroon had so many vaults and they used to have massive gates for which he hired a group of people who could lift the gates of those underground vaults,thats how heavy they were!but he is one of the worst failures

This does not imply that being poor is a success and being wealty is a failure but the point is that money has nothing to do with success, rather success is determined by how you use your time, if you use it wisely you are a success and if you don't you are a failure!
The Qur'an's point is not to create depression by telling that we are in loss, and the point is not that we cease to enjoy life and just become sad. If we become truly grateful for what Allah gives us, we won't be in loss. And being grateful is itself a good deed. The more grateful we are, the more Allah will bless us with

Allazeena=means those who, but it is used for very specific group of people. Using the word allazeena means that these people are special and it takes effort to be part of this group. And it is an exception, and exceptions are always in minority. So very small number of people are able to live up to this criteria.

Allah did not mention what to believe in, so that makes it limitless and encompasses everything. but if we take it in context, the first thing we need to believe is that we are in loss.

Now we take Islam very casually, most of us are brought up in this way that we begin to take religion very nonseriously except in Ramadan,it's fine if we follow the rulings and it's fine if we skip them

>Belief has 3 parts:
belief in Allah
The messenger
The afterlife

Every religion has all these 3 concepts, but what we believe about these is different in every religion and for every human
So basically Allah is the one who has to lay down the definition of believe of all these 3 things. so that we know what to believe in and whats required of us
We should believe fanatically in Allah and Allahs word, we should be utterly convinced

When we are exposed to an environment where everything is being questioned and our religion is being made fun of, we begin to lose our belief and religion and our roots, if we are not grounded strongly in belief, and then we go through a religious crises

A famous scholar said that if I believe in this book, it will put brakes on my life and restrictions, and if I don't then I will be free to live my life as I like. So he said that this book better give me very good reasons for me to believe in it if I'm gonna give up my life

If you ask converts, when they first read the Qur'an they got sucked into it and even if they tried to put it away or get rid of its thoughts, they were pulled back to it over and over again,that is how powerful the Qur'an is! And on the other hand,there are some ppl who just bury this book and pretend it's not there because this is the easy path where we don't have to give up our desires.
Remember Yusuf A.S., as a young man he was put in a situation where a beautiful wealthy woman locked the door and offered himself and nobody was ever going to find out but he still kept his composure, and he saved himself and preferred going to jail!

When we are in school, there are consequences of our behavior, for e.g. if we have an exam the next day we will study, suppose someone is not studying it could be because he does not value it or take it seriously or because he has given up already, but if our live is dependent on something we will do everything to achieve a goal. It all boils down to his: How motivated are you to get Jannah and how much you want to protect yourself from Hell?

The Quran is extremely graphic in describing hell, extremely graphic. Why would Allah talk like that? because it is a gift from Allah to develop the urgency in us to do anything we can to get away from it. It's not a joke.
The Quran is also very graphic in describing heaven, other religions have a very vague description but Quran describes it as a party where we get anything we desire and we are having the time of our lives, we are having a great time,wearing beautiful clothes, everybody is serving us, the trees are lowering ourselves to us, we are getting married,we are hanging out with friends, we are at the edges of waterfalls, there are rivers,lofty mansions, master beds,meeting Allah, and who should say salaam first? the younger or the elder?the teacher or the student? but there ALLAH will INITIATE salaam!And Allah will serve us drink! SubhanAllah! We have to know Jannah to want it!
But this Surah is about not wanting Jahannum...

What is the proof that we truly believe? that we take action, just like we take action if we want to win something or we take medication if we are sick,hollow words mean nothing..
Saalihaat means the deeds that fix or correct, it means we are not perfect and we will always be doing acts to fix and mend things, and we will always try to be better and need to do that in every sphere of life. What are things I do in my day that I can fix?What are the things I can fix about ourselves?

Salihaat is an adjective, It is a Jama qillat, which means that they did a few good deeds, It means that Allah is not asking a lot from us. Qillat literally means less than 10. So here Allah is implying that I am only asking for a few things,that's it!

The hardest people to talk to about serious things is family. It's easy to give a lecture or talk to unknown people but it is extremely hard to convey it to family as family will be very sarcastic to us. We need to find ways to give advice to family that works with them. So when we have to counsel others, we need to find the right way to do it. wasiya is the advice which is heartfelt and sincere. Our point is to soften their hearts so we need to choose the right word at the right time, this religion inherently calls on us to care about others.
Tawasau is from tafaaul, it implies a mutual relationship,meaning you are both willing to take and give advice. We don't consider ourselves superior to others.
We counsel each other to truth,and truth is always hard to swallow. When we counsel friends we are afraid they might not talk to us anymore if we show them the truth. SO we don't have to hide the truth but we have to convey it to them using hikmat. They counsel each other not only truthfully but sincerely. Your advice should be an honest conversation and not merely a show or performance. When we counsel others, it is first and foremost about us.

Counsel each other to patience. How? Suppose you are walking down a dark street at night. Somebody is playing there and they are like thugs who are playing and damaging property in the process. Suppose you think of stopping them to protect others. But you are afraid of the consequences. It takes strength of character. BUT Qur'an says that we have to persuade one another to stay strong and hold on to our faith and keep counselling and encourage one another to keep doing good deeds.
Plus a very imp meaning is that we cannot survive unless we stick together and help one another. We need to hold on to our faith together and strengthen one another. The Surah starts with the idea that we are alone and we ends with the idea that we cannot survive unless we are united.
We not only need to stick together on an individual level but also as organizations and also as an Ummah

Technically the last ayah is in past tense. They believed and counseled etc. WHY? NO human being should actually think they have survived this. The only people who have made it are those who are already dead. As long as we are alive, we need to keep doing these things over and over again until the end of our life because there is no guarantee while we are alive. Others will be able to say about us that we lived up to this.

We are all living different roles and we should check in our sphere who we can give advice to, and who we can influence positively
Sometimes family abandon you if you counsel them to the truth, like the families of some Prophets, so Allah replaces their old company with new company and makes them their big support,and company really matters, we need to find company who we can speak truthfully to, we need to have good company, be very careful of the friends you choose